I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with “what you know…”, “you’re a baby, you warthog”. I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed of “I’m not as smart as they are.”
Having been born, the child has no idea who he is, and through communication with loved ones he develops an idea of himself. Surrounding are mirrors, in which children look at themselves with hand. From them they learn about themselves, based on their attitudes and words. And the image of yourself first built only from these assessments. And gradually the child begins to see himself as his close people see him, treats himself as they treat him. My initial self-esteem was built on devaluation, humiliation and toxic shame.
In our family, the manifestation of the Self by any member of the family was extremely undesirable and unbearable for everyone, because the words, thoughts, feelings, evoked reciprocal feelings: amazing, incomprehensible, sometimes unpleasant, and already forgotten by many, discarded for their uselessness (or pain).
And that had to be dealt with somehow. So it was easier to suppress any manifestation of the true Self. Continue reading