It does not matter, 5 years old child, 25 or 40, if you are a mother, your task does not change: you accommodate feelings, extinguish fear, give stability. There is no one but you to do it. And without this it is difficult for a person to live. Not getting support from you, the child builds it himself, and as proper oporozhnenie no one has taught his strategies are often maladaptive: diseases of the body, nervous disorders, trouble in my life.
What’s that got to do with it? In the literal sense at all. About a man who received support from parents, saying: “Nothing of him/her not answering,” or “dusted himself off/confused and went/and” or “was born with the caul/Las”, etc. and whining, disease, poor health and eternal trouble is not destiny, and call for help, search the equilibrium point.
At any age there are moments when someone has to give support from the outside. Even if you have a thousand supports inside, sometimes you need a thousand first, a new one. Ideally, it is given by parents. When there are no parents or they can not, because they themselves without support, then give friends, spouses, psychotherapist, temporarily “getting up” for you in the parental place. Continue reading
Such words I heard from my husband, in response to accusations that he does not appreciate my efforts to maintain the household. It was at the very beginning of our marriage. At the time, it seemed to me that within the framework of socially approved views on the behavior of a diligent wife and mother, I honestly fulfill my part of the duties.
And then this phrase… Like a bucket of ice water was poured on my head. I digested it for a long time, trying to understand the intricacies of the words in the sentence.
Brought up in the traditions of the Soviet family, I believed in the myth that the wife is primarily a mother and mistress. Other functions – as tasks of increased complexity in the control work: you can do as you wish, if there is time. I could say with confidence that I was doing everything right and as it should be an exemplary wife. I just thought one thing and felt another. Words and actions can lie, feelings can never. It is possible to deceive others, the truth is not to hide.
And truth was such.
I’m bored doing household chores. Continue reading
Do I need to talk to my parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent and is it possible to discern in the criticism of a parent’s love? This psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya told at the lecture “Children’s insults: is there a chance to establish already spoiled relations?”.
Try not to forgive, but to understand.
They had no resource
Remember that they had a very hard life – work, lack of money, getting food, time-consuming life, standing in queues. Strongly wound parents were not psychologically sensitive and gave children the resource for which they were enough.
They were young and inexperienced
Sometimes it is very useful to remember at what age your parents were at that time. Often they were people 25-26 years old, inexperienced and insecure.
Don’t shut up.
If you feel resentment for the parents, do not be silent about it. It is impossible not to recognize that to you it was bad. For a very long time this topic was tabooed and there was only one option: “Parents are Holy people, they raised you and gave life, they need to love, respect and not complain” or: “If you were bad – it’s your own fault.” Continue reading