Happy family

Happy family model: where to get it?
The ability to model, imitate, adopt the skills of other people is one of the basic skills of any person. Let us remember how a small child learns: he watches.…

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Diagnosis: depreciation. How to live?
The idea of this article hovered in the air for a long time, supported by doubts and non-existent grievances. Increasingly, I began to pull out of the context of "do…

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Violations of hierarchy in the family system. What parents should not do with their children
Hierarchy Hierarchy is one of the parameters of the family system, designed to establish order, to determine the affiliation, authority, power in the family and the degree of influence of…

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It will be small or who have a family to support?

Tradition or partnership?
Traditionally in our society it is believed that the main earner of money in the family should be a man. On the Internet you can find articles like “What if the main earner – wife?”that is, it is considered as a problem. And never got something like “What to do if the husband earns more?!”At the same time, the reality is very different from the old ideas about “breadwinners”: women often earn no less, and even more than men.

Another question, which can also often be found on forums and in real conversations – “is it Worth pulling not working/earning a little husband?”That is, if the husband does not earn – why is he needed at all? Worry and husbands, reducing all variety of men’s roles only to one function – to bring money to the house. The rest – the role of the father of their children, the owner of the house, the emotional support of his wife – are considered as secondary.

In the ideal picture of a modern family (which, like everything ideal, practically does not occur), marriage is a joint venture of two adults and equal people, aimed at supporting the development of each of the partners.

In the ideal picture of a traditional family, marriage is the transfer of a woman to a man for the birth and upbringing of children (and housekeeping) in exchange for her provision and protection. Continue reading

My mother always said…

In a sense, every family is a little Prim England with its own traditions. They can relate to relationships, leisure, life… Tried and tested by generations, such rules simplify life. Unless we forget to look at tradition through the prism of modernity

My mother always said that the meat should be salted at the end of cooking, the Windows should be washed twice a year, and my husband should not be left alone with his best friend. She taught me how to cut slices of sausage into two pieces before frying them, be sure to eat soups for lunch, and most importantly – to fulfill their promises.

Until now, I – not the most obedient daughter in the world – fulfill these covenants, perceive them as a part of myself. I do not allow the abandonment of all these soups, Windows and promises. Because that’s what makes me whole, and our relationship with mom – strong. It’s traditional. With their help, my mother gave me something that gave her own life more convenience and security. And she did it out of love for me.

Her mother also passed on to her traditions: spinning wool, caring for her alcoholic husband and manipulating others with the help of their diseases. Considering that the wool for knitting, my mother, and with her social skills and my dad’s all right – these traditions she enjoys. She has to create her own behavioral skills that are more useful in her real situation than the experience of her ancestors. Continue reading

Formula of love for prisoners of marriage

Have you ever thought about the beautiful phrase” Marriages are made in heaven”, the key word “are made”?

“Prisoner – a person who is in the place of detention, in respect of which detention is chosen as a preventive measure” (C).

Despite the fact that I have great respect for the institution of marriage, sometimes, after working with couples, I have a strong feeling that I am a prison psychologist, and my clients – prisoners, many years spent in isolation, inside the “close suffocating space of the wedding ring”, rattling the chain of cast-iron core and through the bars occasionally admiring the “sky of freedom in the cage”, and I – at the same time the defense lawyer, the Prosecutor and the judge, who must pass the final sentence of their love Union…

But, in fact, one of the first questions I ask myself in my mind when taking a couple is not “Who is to blame?”, and even: “Not that to do?”rather, “What is the level of emotional maturity of each spouse?”.

And this maturity has nothing to do with age, life experience, financial situation and professional achievements. It is rather about the strength of the individual, the degree of maturity of each, the willingness to take responsibility for their lives, the ability to change the usual style of thinking – to look not in others, but in themselves the cause of their problems, the ability to see the “picture” as a whole, not trying to trap the guilt of Another, closing in their grievances. Continue reading

Parental stress

Quite often young parents are told: “Come on, here our grandmothers gave birth to ten children, and nothing, and you can not cope with one.” But really, cultural norms, attachments, and expectations as parents and towards children has changed considerably.

If earlier the baby could spend half a day alone in a cradle, which from time to time shakes some average girl, not very well-fed and with wet diapers, while the mother takes care of cattle or engaged in other things, of the born ten children survived half, and every third woman died in childbirth (not necessarily in the first, but nevertheless), now the situation is different – we do not rely on natural selection, and we know that every step we take, every investment we make will respond to what the child’s fate will be, how society will treat parents, and how likely it is that a grown child will want to see us.

This creates huge pressure on parents: whether I feed him, whether I keep, whether in that garden sent?

This is how parental stress is born – it also leads to parental burnout, loss of empathy, feeling of powerlessness, helplessness, and sometimes – to aggression against the child. Continue reading

Psychologist in the divorce. About what?

My colleague and I once talked about values. And I enthusiastically said this phrase: “Here, for example, family is a great value for me. That’s why I got divorced.” He laughed, “do You hear what you’re saying? Value and so you got divorced.”

I suddenly realized. That’s why. Family for me includes such values as respect, trust, sincerity, the ability to Express their feelings, acceptance of a different point of view of the partner, even if it is not clear to me, the ability to negotiate, the ability to empathize, openly Express their feelings, willingness to recognize their contribution to the situation, the desire to change and develop together, loyalty.

I guess I can talk about my divorce now. Rather, about 2 divorces. Because it is thanks to them that I came to the profession. The first was a child marriage – which often happens – a way to escape from the dictatorship of the mother.

A beautiful intelligent co-dependent family, with all the ensuing consequences – a dysfunctional father, realized only in creative work, and at home turning into a child and periodically escaping into a binge, and controlling, punishing, aggressive devaluing mother, who suddenly sometimes could give out waves of love and support. Continue reading

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Children and cuisine: risks of the "new Patriarchate"
The women of Victorian England were almost invisible to the law. The term "male person" (male person), which denoted a full-fledged person, brought gentle ladies in corsets beyond the legal…

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The mathematics of marriage. About things real and provable
I'm sorry, but I'm talking about the obvious today. Science knows a lot hityk, especially if you do it thoughtfully. Watch, explore, analyze and be patient. And on popular lectures…

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Sacred marriage or why do we need a Sacred marriage or why do we need a family??
"Marriage is not a good thing to call" – says the famous aphorism. And about the destruction of the institution of modern marriage, and about the statistics of divorce, and…

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Invisible girl, or Cigarettes in exchange for mom's love
Deaf, stupid, impotent rage covered Olga with a concrete slab. Can't breathe, can't get enough air. How tired she was of all these papers, people, negotiations, endless parental "need", "we…

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