Happy family

Such a common story...
Part 1. Lyrical She calls her mother every day – morning and evening. She is the woman of a little over thirty, successfully (happily?) married, with two educations, now on…

Continue reading →

Beliefs that shape co-dependence
I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with "what you know...", "you're a baby, you warthog". I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed…

Continue reading →

How to separate from my parents or why I don't live the way I want
Emotional separation from parents sometimes requires serious work on themselves in adulthood. About why it is important to separate from parents, what to do with guilt and how to find…

Continue reading →

Do not want or can not: why do adult children stay with their parents?

We often see the codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second instead of personal life trying in their own way to arrange the lives of children. In the end – both are unhappy.

On the one hand, we have decided to laugh at the 40-year-old bachelors living with their parents. On the other hand, there is a favorite of millions in the post-Soviet space from irony of fate. He demonstrates a symbiosis of amazing power with his elderly mother. Living with her all his life, his brides, and not steamed :).

On the one hand, all look down on the old maidens, who after 35 remain in my mother’s apartment. On the other – full of positive cinematic stories about old maids, recall, for example, a school teacher (the well-known film Raikin, as he saved his old teacher from two displaces it from the apartment of the goons).

What do we have as a result? Total codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second – instead of personal life all trying in their own way to arrange the lives of children. In the end, neither are happy. Continue reading

Psychological problems of marriage

As you know, “all happy families are similar to each other, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” So how do happy families resemble each other? And so the love can continue throughout life? The American psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist Judith Wallerstein tried to answer these questions.

I would like to introduce you to the findings of her study of 50 happy couples, in which she used the case study method. Couples who met the following criteria were selected to participate in the study:

1. The couple must be legally married for at least 9 years;
2. A couple has one or more children;
3. Both husband and wife consider their marriage happy;
4. The consent of both spouses to both individual and joint interviews.
On the basis of this study suggested that Wallerstein nine psychological tasks of marriage that challenge men and women throughout their life journey. These tasks – a kind of building blocks of a harmonious and strong marriage. These tasks, as they transform, are the work of marriage, which allows to maintain a high quality of relations under the stresses of modern society and the changes occurring with each of the partners throughout life. Continue reading

Violations of hierarchy in the family system. What parents should not do with their children

Hierarchy
Hierarchy is one of the parameters of the family system, designed to establish order, to determine the affiliation, authority, power in the family and the degree of influence of one family member on others.

One of the provisions of the hierarchy is that in the family the parents are responsible for the children and have all the power in the nuclear family. In my article I want to consider some variants of deviations from this norm and their consequences.

Triangulation
Triangulation is an emotional process between two people that tends to involve a third in a relationship. In a broken family where internal boundaries are blurred, parents can sometimes make children their emotional partners. This is an inverted hierarchy, in which the status of the child in the family is equal to the parent. Continue reading

Avoid toxic people, including toxic relatives

The decision not to contact a family member is deeply personal.

For some of us, healing a mother’s wound is only possible through contact with the mother. In this scenario, healing creates a new, deeper connection between mother and daughter – and that’s infinitely beautiful. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s really inspiring.

But for some of us, it is impossible to heal by staying in contact with the mother.

The removal of a member of the family is still considered taboo, especially if we are talking about mother. Sometimes a short distance and a short suspension are enough. In other cases, the suspension may be permanent. It takes incredible strength and courage to get through this.

What could lead to suspension?
There are many reasons why people make this decision. But the root of it is the realization that your mother’s dysfunctional behavior is costing you your emotional and mental balance, and you are no longer able to pay the price. Continue reading

“Why didn’t you leave me?!”Notes of the psychotherapist

My wife and I haven’t slept together in 8 years. – He said he jumped into the hole. Almost there. Apparently, long leader was coming with the spirit of, to come. It happens. Tall, thin, about fifty years old, athletic, with an indelible stamp of intelligence on his face. In the history, most likely, high-tech, tennis, Bicycle or skiing. My grandmother used to say “Interesting man.”

– She… good woman. Okay, I guess. We have grown children. She’s just not interested. I mean, sex, you know? Can be, unpalatable even. I can’t even hug her. So, sometimes the old memory will be pulled, and its as much cringe. Not much, but it shows. At times like this, I almost feel like a rapist. And goon somehow. Man doesn’t want to, I do… But how can you not want eight years?! Here you are a woman, tell me, can so many years to do without intimacy?

Uh, what am I supposed to tell him? No, no? Is it inhuman? I do not understand how you can live eight years side by side with a man without hugs, without kisses, without sex? Without making a couple a couple, not roommates. But this is my experience, not his or his wife’s. Continue reading

A life that wasn't meant for me
What can you do for me? What does life look like that I can live? What is my measure of well-being and happiness? What is my "share" and what is…

...

Invisible girl, or Cigarettes in exchange for mom's love
Deaf, stupid, impotent rage covered Olga with a concrete slab. Can't breathe, can't get enough air. How tired she was of all these papers, people, negotiations, endless parental "need", "we…

...

Beliefs that shape co-dependence
I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with "what you know...", "you're a baby, you warthog". I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed…

...

Husband and father. Find the differences
The husband is often found in the projection of the father, these two figures, in the perception of women, interwoven into one. If father was brutal – husband is perceived…

...