I do not like who I live with, how I live, and the future that awaits me
Writes me Tatiana:
Olga, good afternoon.
Please analyze your situation and state of mind.
I am 32 years old, married 10 years, child 4 years. There are all the attributes of a prosperous and happy life, and I’m not happy.
Married went without love, was much sympathy and I hoped, that love will come over time. What prompted me to make such a step unrequited love for another. The process of “lapping characters” was not easy. But as a result, we have developed a trusting relationship. Although the passion they had. A child was born, and as often happens, I looked at my husband with a new look. Before me stood a real man with all the advantages and disadvantages. I was aware before that that we are different: different upbringing, views, sense of humor. Often I was hurt or ashamed by his words and actions. But I tried to drown out those feelings and ignore them. Now, all these points have escalated.
After my thirtieth birthday, I realized that having basic material possessions, a family and a child, I was deeply unhappy. I realized that I do not like who I live with, how I live, and the future that awaits me.
One night I found my first love in the Internet. I still can’t say that I was prompted to write him a few phrases. The answer was so emotional and heartfelt that my heart ached. Began a correspondence, then talking on the phone. Our communication with small breaks lasted 2 years. Unfortunately, we have not met during this period. (Perhaps the meeting would put everything in its place and my torment would have ended).
Now I try to hold on, to live as before, but the feeling of loss does not let me go. The relationship with her husband is more or less smooth, the child grows and pleases with success, everything seems to be good at work. Used all sorts of recipes “to be happy for 10 days” or “start living for yourself”: painted, kept a diary that would throw out emotions, enrolled in a dance school, bought dresses, went alone on vacation, drank vodka, cut her hair and painted. Helps nothing, don’t work for me these recipes. So I decided write You, Olga, in the hope on aid and valuable advice.
* * *
“I’m fine, only I want to hang” is a classic query when you access a psychologist. And most often such a request is the result of an attempt to objectify their own spiritual life. The fact is that happiness is not objective, it is subjective. But, unfortunately, happiness is not taught in school…
All the literature is full of stories of mad love, which gives a taste of life. In fact, of course, the taste of life is desirable to feel in itself: if the taste of life for a person is felt only in love, then what kind of life is it?! And what about creativity, creation, unity with nature, and other, more earthly pleasures, finally?
However, we all came from childhood. A small child objectively, physically can not sleep without his mother, neither eat nor play for a long time. The baby is not independent, for him an objective necessity is the presence of a close person. If the parents, among other things, sufficiently shared with him the same taste of life, which we are talking about, the grown child, growing up, this example learns to provide themselves with the joy of life on their own. But a few of us are so lucky, most of us desperately need company to feel the taste of life: we need someone “albeit bad, but our own”.
It was preamble.
And now, actually, about the situation.
Tatiana, you yourself realize that you married without love: there was a lot of sympathy, and you hoped that love will come with time. Often, when people marry for great sympathy, this is exactly what happens. But in your case initially in the way of your love for my husband was standing fantasy about the other person: first, unrequited love to another, then return to your first love… and the husband as you write, the first time was a fancy way – only after the baby is born you saw “the real person with all the advantages and disadvantages”.
Fantasy image is always perfect – it is always very easy to attribute a lot of advantages, and even those that in a real person simply can not come together. You are absolutely right to write that if you personally met with your first love, then with 100% probability we can assume that your imagination would not coincide with reality. But the meeting did not take place, and there was a paradoxical moment: you invested in fantasy lovers all those spiritual forces that normally just could go to give a taste of your life.
Why it happened in your life – a question for personal therapy, I do not know anything about your childhood and relationships with his father, and could not put forward any versions in a single answer. But. Life in the illusion is costly.
It is obvious that when a person gives spiritual strength to another – in most cases he hopes for an adequate response. This normally happens if you communicate with a real person, and really help each other; if you communicate with fantasy, then your mental strength goes into the void. And then the deficit becomes more and more, and now the taste of life disappears, happiness goes away, although “there are all the attributes of a prosperous and happy life”…
What can be done now?
See a psychologist. All these ideas of “being happy in 10 days” are unreal, because your task is to learn how to invest mental strength in yourself, and for this you will first have to grow the infantile part of your soul, which all seeks to find someone who will provide a taste of life instead of parents who did not do it. Trying to drown out the feeling of loss by drawing, dresses or vodka – does not this behavior remind you of a child desperately bored without a mother? And trying to occupy himself with ice cream (that’s sick and mom will come and regret it!), the platishke (that’s going to wear and mum will see that I’m a neat girl!) or drawing (here I will draw a picture and mother will praise!)…
Growing up is the wisdom to live through your losses, and the courage to change your life so that it is no longer “painful and ashamed” of someone’s words and actions. And no, I’m not pushing you towards divorce, nor am I holding you back from it: the most important thing you have to do is accept yourself, with all your feelings. And then… It is possible that if this acceptance of yourself appears – it will be easier to accept others. Including, the husband with all his features, without feeling at the same time pain – and simply having allowed it to be Another, without comparing with any fantasy images.
Alas, the growing of the infantile part is not a quick thing: it is not enough to even understand how it happens – it is rather about feeling the taste of life in the heart. Theoretically, this is possible not only with the help of long-term psychotherapy, it may be just a long work on the formation of a positive image of the host “inner parent”, but it is better to start with a psychologist.