How to explain to mom that you don't want to get married: instructions
The good news is that we can close this unpleasant topic once and for all. The bad news is that you have to grow up very quickly, and – surprise!…

Continue reading →

How to separate from my parents or why I don't live the way I want
Emotional separation from parents sometimes requires serious work on themselves in adulthood. About why it is important to separate from parents, what to do with guilt and how to find…

Continue reading →

Two in the boat, not counting the crisis
From ancient Greek "crisis" is translated as "decision, turning point, turning point, time of transition". Crises lead us up a spiral, to development and depth in relationships. When a couple…

Continue reading →

It’s simple. About family rituals and traditions

Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of “deuce”/”Troika”) I often touch themes family rituals and traditions.

“What traditions do you have in your family/couple?”When did they arise?”Who brought them?”Do you like them?””What do you like to do together?””Are there any special rituals in your family?”– these and other issues highlight the important bonding threads that give strength to the family fabric.

It happens that traditions, as well as family rules (unspoken), pass from the parent family unconsciously, are taken as a given, in this case it is useful to look at them more closely. How useful are they? Do we really need them for our couple, children, the family as a whole? Do we want to keep them? It is also important to reconsider the tradition with the development of the family: age-related changes, needs change, changes in family composition.

Of course, there are “traditional” harmful “things.” As an example, a weekly Sunday scandal, regular drinking, leaving family members in virtual reality every evening, etc., which, despite all their stable immutability, obviously destructive and toxic. Alas, in some families, as the traditions are that they: are in the habit of each other to criticize, but not in the habit each other to hug. Exactly as useless rote repetition and soulless automatism of some obsolete rituals (in psychology – “ceremonialism”). At the same time, the value of filled with emotions and meaningful traditions is extremely high.

The ratio of the changeable to the constant is an important moment, both in the individual life and in the life of a couple or a group, which is the family. The balance between the constant, what you can rely on, and the new, what you can be inspired and diversify life – one of the manifestations of harmony. If the changeable creates dynamics, novelty, increases interest, the constant creates a sense of security, reliability, stability. As is known, the presence of a certain regime and rituals necessary for young children for the formation of reference points in the big unpredictable world, for reducing anxiety, building confidence and trust in the world. But even in adulthood, rituals and traditions retain their importance, grounding, mentally warming, creating a sense of strength of ties with the world and other people.

In addition, the traditions and rituals have several remarkable properties, which, together with the already mentioned, are as follows:
Create a sense of stability and security.
Increase the cohesion of a couple or a family, keep the connection between family members, as well as generations.
They allow you to be in emotional contact with each other and your emotions (some traditions create a space for experiencing not only joy, but also sadness, sadness, for example, days of memory).
Introduce useful and important things on a permanent basis, that a) allows you not to forget about them b) do not lose every time the time and energy to persuade/negotiate/organization. In this context, the tradition makes it possible to say to a quarrelsome child: “not discussed”, and what is remarkable is that the routine often does not really require persuasion (such as “one cartoon before bedtime” – always one (not two, even if today the mother would like to take the children longer, and the children know it).
A few examples of simple, good traditions:

Ritual morning “good morning, my a good” or evening “good night, Princess.” It is so simple, but in many families people do not greet each other in the morning and do not say goodbye before going to bed. Warm words, accompanied by strong hugs, will provide the other with a minimum portion of love, so necessary for good health and high self-esteem, even if you live all day in a crazy schedule and employment.

Reading at night. A tradition which can be maintained regardless of the age of your child (or partner) to read aloud to each other, say, psychological books quite a useful exercise, especially if you do not moralize, but with humor to discover new facets of themselves, relationships and the world). If your child can read fairy tales, the teenager can fragments of your favorite adult books, articles or volume of poems. What is important here is not the amount of reading, but the quality (primarily emotional coloring of what is happening).

Traditional Sunday Breakfast of spouses outside the house and children will give the opportunity to regularly see each other outside the home, create a space for theta-a-tet conversation, devote time only to each other. Entering them on a regular basis, you do not have every time a new deal with the children/grandmothers, asking them off, just the whole family will know and take into account in advance that on Sunday you always leave for a couple/three hours.

“Sunday pie”. It’s basically a tradition from my own family. Every Sunday, together with the children, we bake it, which one – we choose from time to time, but the tradition of cooking together, and after a joint tea party – is unchanged.

“Day of pleasure”. And the same tradition from my family, when every six months we get out with the children in the city center, where we do everything they want: any route, whim, any cafe (with a bad, including), gifts (the amount is discussed in advance, but the purchase itself is not – can be any), and never a single word of criticism (it is not easy, but what is the experience)

“Parents’ day.” When children (here the age factor is taken into account) do everything for parents: clean, cook, set the table.

A joint “Saturday night” movie or a traditional Board game in which all family members can take part.

These are just a few examples of the huge variety of options that could enrich your family. Do not be lazy to repeat. You sow an act — you reap a habit, you sow a habit — you reap a fate. If many simple, but such useful things to do irregularly, the chances that they will come to naught, are extremely high, and with them will disappear and the important thing that they are.

Dreams of a "normal family". Two sides of the same model
Where do they come from these dreams of an ideal family? From childhood? But not the fact that you would like to live the way your parents lived. Probably the…

...

Violations of hierarchy in the family system. What parents should not do with their children
Hierarchy Hierarchy is one of the parameters of the family system, designed to establish order, to determine the affiliation, authority, power in the family and the degree of influence of…

...

My mother always said...
In a sense, every family is a little Prim England with its own traditions. They can relate to relationships, leisure, life... Tried and tested by generations, such rules simplify life.…

...

Typology of family crises
The prenuptial period of the relationship is extremely important for their subsequent stability. The most important condition is the presence of a period of love, with all his characteristic uncritical…

...