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It's simple. About family rituals and traditions
Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of "deuce"/"Troika") I often touch themes family rituals and traditions. "What traditions do…

Continue reading →

Children and cuisine: risks of the “new Patriarchate”

The women of Victorian England were almost invisible to the law. The term “male person” (male person), which denoted a full-fledged person, brought gentle ladies in corsets beyond the legal field: they were not allowed to have their income and their property, to inherit or enter into contracts. In other words, within the family, women and children were seen as helpless objects of care to be fed and protected. Yes, it is he – the classic Patriarchate, known to us from books and films. A long history, forgotten for uselessness.

“Now,of course, everything is different,” you say. But I suggest you doubt it.

Let’s take a couple under thirty as a model. Very young will not take, choose those who are stronger and already with some experience of relations behind. Imagine that both are at higher education, work, plans and family values. And Yes, they have a very Mature feeling, they are like-minded and want to live together and have children.

Familiar?

And here they start a joint household agree on the holiday, discuss travel itineraries, add up the earned in the bedside table. They value their dissimilarity; there is much mutual respect in their love. They consider each other equal partners – this is a very, very important point.

The time comes, and she gets pregnant, gives birth, then finds a nanny and plans to return to work. Suppose that the income and social status of her beloved husband grew – this often happens if the couple is really good. And the husband – of course, with the best of intentions, says something like this: “Dear, why do you have to be torn between work and home? My money is enough for everyone. To raise a kid – especially since we were planning another one. What good is that if it will grow stranger, and you’re always going to get tired, the rush and burst?”

And maybe he had a little podostyl, and personal growth and professional implementation of the wife ceased to interest him.

And also it may be that he is a little jealous and has long wanted to take his wife under control, and there is a great case.

And the wife? My wife doesn’t mind. Let’s say she’s not happy with the current work and really tired of time pressure. Yes, she also wants to raise this baby myself and not against to give birth to another – in fact enough money! Perhaps she even plans to stay home, come up with some cute side job or a small business.

Now pay attention. From the moment the wife says “Yes”, in the male eyes she gradually loses the status of a partner, no matter how blasphemous it may sound. What is even sadder is that this change of status, which is neither meaningful nor spoken, leads to a fundamentally different assessment of the family situation. From the wife’s point of view, two people are wise in sharing responsibilities. From the husband’s point of view, his wife is no longer an adult with equal rights. Now it is closer to the status of children – not independent, not Autonomous, in need of care.

This is a turning point, this is a fundamental restructuring of the whole family situation. The pair that formed initially, no more.

You will say that it does not happen at all, and you are right. I myself know several families in which husbands treat their wives as equals – with respect and gratitude. Whether they are used to this model in their parents ‘ home, or whether their focus on the family is slightly higher than the average for the hospital – whatever it was, they manage to maintain a healthy balance. And men in such pairs are usually child-loving, and love their wives, including for the fact that they care about the offspring.

But not all men are arranged in this way.

Many are interested in children to the extent-because or, what is there, not interested at all. Children are not their resource. And now, when the wife remains at home, they have a magnificent chance finally to relieve themselves of need to read fairy tales and to change diapers. Do you know how it happens? Here we go. “I’m tired, – says the head of the family. – I’ve been working all day, and I want to rest at home. I’m in charge of the money, and you’re in charge of the kids. I’m not suggesting you do my job, am I? Here you are, and you do yours.”

But we will not demonize men. Especially since this fracture has other reasons. And the main among them – financial.

If the wife no longer brings money to the house, it means that the husband must contain several people – himself, his wife, children and sometimes a nanny. It also happens that the list of beneficiaries includes the old parents of the wife, who need help, and the parents of the husband. And if there were children from a previous marriage?

This financial burden does not go unnoticed. It puts a great responsibility on a man. He knows that he must be healthy and efficient, and also understands that he can no longer change his life on his own, no matter what crises gnaw at him and what dreams may pursue. Try to imagine how a person feels, whose unsinkability completely depends on the well-being of loved ones. Can he afford to be relaxed, existentially careless? And is it any wonder that such a tension inevitably affect the marriage relationship?

Now the wife wants as little as possible problems and requests, not to mention the requirements. But the gratitude I want, Yes. A sincere confession of how much a husband does for the common good. And the smooth execution of its functionality. Do you think these expectations support the fire of partnership? Right, not really.

At the pole of his wife, left at home, too, there are changes. Domestic work is hard and ungrateful, it’s routine and Groundhog day. Cooked – eaten. Blew my nose – again snot. Cleaned – stained. Social contacts are narrowing, there is not enough time for yourself and your interests. In this situation, the husband is the link between the house and the outside world, from which you expect news, impressions, drive.

With his hand to the woman to give almost nothing. Yes, she gladly will reveal, who that ate and how many spit up, but this will be news microcosm, and the real life is raging somewhere outside – there, where colleagues and friends, successes and challenges. Wife in this world more there is no, and, therefore, there is no and partnership.
Finally, while formally recognizing that household chores are very important, men almost always find their work much more valuable. How else? After all, they are in the forefront, they risk, they interact with the external environment, which is not always fair and convenient. The house is the rear, where you can cook porridge in peace and Zen. And who provides this peace of mind? Right, husband.

So he’s not just a breadwinner. He is the one who, in fact, relieves his wife of the burden of an adult, giving her childish irresponsibility. And because he has every right to intervene in everything, regulating what to buy and what to spend, where to drive or not to drive children, how to celebrate the holidays, where to go on vacation. Does the wife agree with this state of Affairs? Does she share her man’s position? Of course not.

Look, I have outlined only the brightest moments – in fact, the situation is much bigger and more complicated. But the fact remains that in the “breadwinner – housewife” model it is very difficult to maintain the original equality of positions. Like-minded people at the start, husband and wife eventually turn except that not in duelists. Each of them sees the situation so differently that it is more difficult to find common ground every year.

The woman feels pushed to the periphery, as if she – hired staff, she lost the feeling of living their lives; man irritated exorbitant, in his opinion, requirements. She wants to be heard – he comes home later. She wants to be a friend who is taken seriously, he is furious at the absurdity of such desires. She says – OK, let me go to work at least part-time, my atrophied brain, he says – you do not cope with their responsibilities, you always ask help from me, what do you still work? Vicious circle.

Well, the cherry on the cake is a divorce, after which the woman is still forced to earn money herself – not for the soul, but for the full, but her experience has long been interrupted, her knowledge is outdated and lost skills and grip. But that’s another story. Even more so, not everyone gets divorced. Someone bravely lives for the sake of children, being sure that a good thing will not be called a marriage, and does not even know when and why everything went wrong.

Conclusion propose a only one. The “new Patriarchate” is not suitable for all couples, despite its apparent convenience. First of all, it is good for those women who see a lot of opportunities for creativity in household chores and for those men who are ready to rush from work to build a pyramid. If it is more interesting for her to realize herself at work, and he is convinced that with children under ten years there is nothing to talk about – it is better not to risk. Otherwise, there will be too many disappointments.

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