“Why didn’t you leave me?!”Notes of the psychotherapist
My wife and I haven’t slept together in 8 years. – He said he jumped into the hole. Almost there. Apparently, long leader was coming with the spirit of, to come. It happens. Tall, thin, about fifty years old, athletic, with an indelible stamp of intelligence on his face. In the history, most likely, high-tech, tennis, Bicycle or skiing. My grandmother used to say “Interesting man.”
– She… good woman. Okay, I guess. We have grown children. She’s just not interested. I mean, sex, you know? Can be, unpalatable even. I can’t even hug her. So, sometimes the old memory will be pulled, and its as much cringe. Not much, but it shows. At times like this, I almost feel like a rapist. And goon somehow. Man doesn’t want to, I do… But how can you not want eight years?! Here you are a woman, tell me, can so many years to do without intimacy?
Uh, what am I supposed to tell him? No, no? Is it inhuman? I do not understand how you can live eight years side by side with a man without hugs, without kisses, without sex? Without making a couple a couple, not roommates. But this is my experience, not his or his wife’s.
– Why are you here now? Not a year ago, not three, not five…
Such a pair is not one, there are dozens, and most likely even hundreds or thousands. They live together for many years, because “econemy”, “UniCredit”, “will habestpractices”, “was metaliconfactory”… It is sad, but the man addresses, or already having got confused in campaigns to the left, or caught red-handed and deprived of an illegal source of heat, or once in the morning having found out absence of an erection, or when the wife suddenly left and it appeared that with other man at it everything “works”.
“Why didn’t you leave me?!”Notes of the psychotherapist
Often we are talking about couples married early, when little you know even about yourself, and only about life and about others – nothing at all. “What do we know about love and what about hydraulics?”And then it was not easy, a child, career, another child, another career, apartment, mortgage. And no one-no one explained that the joy of touching that you gave each other in the beginning, is to cherish, to grow, to give this time. Well, however, 30-40 years ago so little thought about it, and to speak, in my opinion, was generally indecent. Even under the blanket.
We’re not. And then, men come to me, already desperate to find warmth and intimacy with a woman with whom they live for 20 years. And women… You think women don’t come? Or they don’t want the heat? Sure they do. Only too come for some reason, when it a disaster. And then she sits in front of me and asks through barely restrained tears and anger: “Why didn’t he leave me 10 years ago?!”
Do you know what “castrating wives”are? Quite fashionable now the term in certain circles. However, politically correct Americans prefer to call it “emasculation” – demasculinisation. It is these terrible women that deny men sex, warmth, closeness. Sometimes they deprive them of even just initiative and take over the power – a wonderful image of nurse Ratched from “Flying over the cuckoo’s nest”, or Vice versa become utterly helpless and unhappy, so that a man has no choice but to assume the role of a father – and to sleep with his daughter, it is, sorry, incest. Or, on the contrary, such a caring mother as a wife did not yet know the world. Again, what kind of pervert Fucks his own mother?
However, if you think I’m going to blame it on the evil women, don’t expect me to. Still, thank you, dear God, you didn’t make me a man. None of the “toothy vagina” can not exist without terrified of toothless’s penis.
How does a woman refuse sex? At all or in Alliance with this particular a man. How did it happen that female sexuality became… Optional. No, as an item in demand, and the object of trade it is quite prosperous. But it’s not about Eros, it’s about barter or commodity-money relations. And where does the natural strength and thirst for touch in the Union of loving people go?
“No historian has been able to convincingly explain how it happened that women lost their privileged status in the transition from early civilizations to the period of antiquity. In Plato’s time (427-347 BC), a perfect sexual Union was seen as a Union between a man and a boy. Wife needed the ancient Greeks only to prolong the sort. Pleasure became the lot of a narrow circle of women — hetaeras, or courtesans, wives lived in prosperity outside the walls of private houses, constrained from a legal point of view by the bonds of marriage. The exception was the poet Sappho from the island of Lesbos, who sang of female eroticism and gave us the first vivid metaphors of female excitement and orgasm in the Western poetic tradition. (I suppose she wasn’t the only one, but she left the most visible mark.)
The writings of the Apostle Paul codified and consolidated for the next two millennia the notion that sexuality is shameful and wrong, and unbridled female sexuality, even in marriage, is especially shameful and sinful. In the course of the formation of the Church in Europe and the rise of the Holy Roman Empire, Paul’s teaching became synonymous with Christianity, and Christianity — synonymous with Western culture as a whole.”
“Vagin. A new history of female sexuality.” Naomi Wolf
So, “no sex” is not about the late Soviet Union, it’s about the whole West, to which we belong. Where femininity and femininity at best is projected onto the image of the virgin Mary with her incomprehensibly conceived baby Jesus. For an asexual story. Yes, of course, the ‘ 60s, sexual revolutions, children of flowers, perestroika, the ubiquity of contraceptives. But sometimes it seems that it is only “for young people”. Not for couples who’ve lived together for a long time. Moreover, there is already “no sex” not only for a woman, but also for a man, if he remains within the commandment “do not commit adultery.”
This is at the level of society, and what happens in a particular pair? Why do two people stay together when a woman refuses intimacy, and a man agrees with this situation? By the way, sometimes Vice versa. Love is always a space between two poles – free creativity, passion and reliability. And it is this tension of the poles that gives strength to the living feeling. When the relationship eat only one reliability, of them leaving Eros. Both the man and the woman continue to hold on to the imaginary security and cut off from themselves more and more. “Optional.” Not vital. That without which you can survive.
– Nobody’s 100% happy. You’re an expert, you should know that.
Probably nobody. How happy are you? I didn’t get an answer.
At the same time, the further, the more difficult. After all already so much invested, so much endured. So many days, months, years without sex, without warmth, without intimacy. And now to give it up? This Pro another Treaty with the devil, tacit agreement: “I refuse from joy, and me for this…”The thing is that “for this” most often no one is clear. Security? What? Financial? Emotional? The presence of someone unloved to the teeth grinding next to in his old age? On the background of Pushkin family is removed? It is important not to be afraid and ask yourself these questions. Just in case. Suddenly it turns out that you are not so fond of water in glasses.
Only conflict can destroy a Pact with the devil. No, not these small injections of irritation that pervades the relationship, when one goes Eros and desire. A real conversation about what’s going on. A conversation that removes the veil of secrecy from what everyone already knows. Openly going to conflict often means breaking the devil’s spell. But this conflict has to go, like a samurai, in advance, by dying before the fight. You realize this collision could cost you the life you’ve been holding on to for so long.
That life will no longer be, you have to sacrifice it, for the opportunity to be happy yourself and give a chance for happiness to those who are with you. With or without you. And no matter what you have turned from the bright, inviting, promising all of life like in adolescence. Now you live in a very clear box, where you know every corner and every hole through which you can sometimes breathe. It’s nothing that closely and presses, but to bury, it would probably be convenient.
You’re going to have to sacrifice that habitable, familiar victim complex. And not just you. Because you live “is not for pleasure, but for conscience”. For the sake of a “helpless” partner, for the sake of children, for the sake of saving face in front of someone, for the sake of financial stability. You are so used to the role of victims that the transition to aggression is completely invisible. “Leave me alone, fool!”, “Forever you!”Take it yourself!Don’t pull me!”, “Why children again?!..””Don’t yell!”Don’t touch me, you jerk!”I’m tired and sleepy!”. Words that were previously impossible become commonplace. Skirmishes replace contact, your “we” may still be alive, its energy still rushing between you like lightning.
Then it goes. You… “adapt.” You are totally alone, but you still remain in the same place. Stubbornly, teeth hold on to the status quo, not daring to recognize any of the possible realities. In fact, the conversation is much broader than sexuality, although little can give us a fuller sense of life, intimacy, trust. Talk about letting yourself finally talk about what’s going on between you two before it’s too late. Break the Pact with the devil and make a contract with each other, if that’s still possible.