Avoid toxic people, including toxic relatives
The decision not to contact a family member is deeply personal.
For some of us, healing a mother’s wound is only possible through contact with the mother. In this scenario, healing creates a new, deeper connection between mother and daughter – and that’s infinitely beautiful. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s really inspiring.
But for some of us, it is impossible to heal by staying in contact with the mother.
The removal of a member of the family is still considered taboo, especially if we are talking about mother. Sometimes a short distance and a short suspension are enough. In other cases, the suspension may be permanent. It takes incredible strength and courage to get through this.
What could lead to suspension?
There are many reasons why people make this decision. But the root of it is the realization that your mother’s dysfunctional behavior is costing you your emotional and mental balance, and you are no longer able to pay the price.
I believe that such a decision is not made out of frivolity or bravado. Most often, this comes after years of trying in a variety of ways to maintain this connection and translate it to a higher level. At some point the price becomes too high and you have to make a decision.
This may be the hardest decision of your life. And at the same time the most liberating.
Family is a complex system. When someone ceases to play their usual role in it, the system experiences a kind of depressurization or chaos. Conflict can transform the whole system and move to a higher level if family members are open and ready for growth and learning. But, unfortunately, sometimes the willingness to grow and the attempt to bring about change are met with resistance from the family. In this case, a person who wants to grow has a choice: to remain in a toxic and dysfunctional environment or to leave an unhealthy system. The choice to break contact is most often made when it is obvious that healing is not possible in the family system.
Daughter often plays the role of a mediator, the scapegoat, the Keeper of secrets or guardian of emotions. If a daughter is on her way to adulthood and wants to go beyond a typical family role (perhaps becoming stronger, forming boundaries, refusing to tolerate abuse, etc.), her decision inevitably leads to change. The degree of chaos resulting from this indicates how dysfunctional this family system is overall.
If family members are relatively healthy, stable and open, the family can come to balance without much chaos. However, if the family members themselves are deeply traumatized and wounded, the development of the daughter may be perceived as a serious threat to the family system. In this case, chaos can deeply destabilize the situation, and it is very difficult to cope with it. Support is very important here.
An unconscious attempt to maintain balance and resist change can lead to attacks on the daughter. A common and dangerous reaction is to “pathologize” the daughter. Then the reason of the conflict is seen in some pathology of the daughter.
The following message is formed: “Your inability to continue playing in the family system in the role assigned to you indicates that something is wrong with you.” It is based on the humiliation of the message – in fact, the refusal of the mother or another family member from an honest understanding of their own behavior and take responsibility. The level of mental stability of the daughter, her sexual activity, her past mistakes, everything in her can be openly questioned, except the role of the mother in the conflict.
It’s amazing how fiercely people resist looking deep into themselves and what they’re willing to go to to stay in denial, including even rejecting their own child. This is actually an unconscious attempt to resist change by projecting the whole conflict or “badness” on the one who initiates the transformation of the family system.
After all, it’s nothing personal. It just happens when people who turn a blind eye to their inner state are confronted with their repressed pain through a catalyzing event. For example, such a catalyst can be a woman who outgrows the prevailing dynamics in the family, generations kept this family system in balance.
We can’t save our mothers. We can’t save our families. We can only save ourselves.
You don’t need your mother’s (or another family member’s) understanding to fully heal.
The realization that a mother (or family) is simply unable or unwilling to understand you can break your heart. No matter how you explain or how many times you try to communicate your urges – it all goes nowhere. It’s like you speak different languages. They may unconsciously block your understanding because it puts their ingrained beliefs and values at great risk.
Understanding can cause a seismic shift in the very Foundation on which their worldview and identity are built. It is painful to realize, but it helps to create a special spirit power. It becomes clear that you need to be satisfied with your own understanding of yourself. The main thing is your own opinion about yourself. You realize that you may be all right, even if others don’t understand you.
Once you get out of contact, your life can start to improve in all directions. I watched chronic diseases, neurotic fears, and life-long patterns go away. In fact, sometimes it is even difficult to accept how much nicer your life has become. Each new level of success, intimacy, joy and freedom reminds you that your family cannot share it with you. It is at such times that we can experience emotion and grief. You don’t have to do anything but feel the grief that comes along and let yourself move on.
Feeling sad doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. In fact, it is a sign of health and healing.
Take root in a worldview that has given you the strength to get away from toxic interactions. Otherwise, you may be drawn back through guilt or shame. It is very important to get support and give yourself time and space to work out all the emotions that are associated with this choice. Take root in why you made that choice and take the opportunity to start a whole new phase of your life.
Suspension is a launching pad for strength.
You may find something deeply important: you realize that you can survive even when your mother rejects you. Few people come to this realization. This can take you to a new level of inner freedom and determination, to initiate a quantum leap in your life. This can spur commitment to the truth and bring integrity that will affect all areas of your life. This will kindle in you the fire of truth, which has always been there, but only now can burn in full force. You will feel your inner source.
Sadness, sadness and even more sadness will lead you to freedom.
Sadness can arise every time you move to a new, higher level that your mother (family) has never entered. This can be the sorrow, corroding the bone, almost tribal and ancestral grief care forward without them. But it gets easier with time. I believe that the more affectionately we allow ourselves to grieve, the more miracles, beauty and joy there are in our lives.
There is something deeply sacred about grief that comes with this choice. It can give us the opportunity to connect deeply with our truth and to realize it on the deepest level. It is necessary to find a new meaning of this loss and use it to improve your life. This is the key to lasting healing.
Your integrity becomes a firm support for the rest of your life.
“You don’t have to become poor to help poor people, or get sick to heal the sick. You can only influence from a position of strength, clarity and centering.”
It’s perfectly normal to walk away from toxic people, including toxic relatives.
Healing birth trauma can be a lonely path. But in the new space you have created, there will also be spiritual connections. The need for attachment is the strongest need of our human nature. To be face to face with rejection means to deal with their deep pain, humanity, and to declare the value of his life. Our greatest fear is to be alone. But the loneliness we fear is already present in the wounds of our kind. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, that in time there will be people close to you who will be able to see and appreciate the real you.
Estranged daughters are spiritual warriors.
In a world where women are expected to remain silent, to care for the needs of others, where the dark side of motherhood is not recognized, the experience of alienation can initiate a transition to a new level of awareness that few people have access to. The space is cleared so that you can Shine in its entirety. What will you do with the light shining in you?
The rejected daughters find each other, creating a new line of mothers; the combination of authenticity, authenticity and truth in each supports an increasing awareness in all. I have seen such camaraderie among women who have come this way. More than most people can imagine. You’re not alone!
You need to do what’s right for you. Trust yourself!