Do not want or can not: why do adult children stay with their parents?
We often see the codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second instead of personal life trying in their own way to arrange the lives of children. In the end – both are unhappy.
On the one hand, we have decided to laugh at the 40-year-old bachelors living with their parents. On the other hand, there is a favorite of millions in the post-Soviet space from irony of fate. He demonstrates a symbiosis of amazing power with his elderly mother. Living with her all his life, his brides, and not steamed :).
On the one hand, all look down on the old maidens, who after 35 remain in my mother’s apartment. On the other – full of positive cinematic stories about old maids, recall, for example, a school teacher (the well-known film Raikin, as he saved his old teacher from two displaces it from the apartment of the goons).
What do we have as a result? Total codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second – instead of personal life all trying in their own way to arrange the lives of children. In the end, neither are happy.
Co-dependence – “secret” legacy of the USSR
It all started with the apartment question. At the state level, it was first solved by communal apartments, where by default three or four generations coexisted in one space.
Then came the turn of the huge Stalin apartments, which were difficult to exchange when children created their families. And because it is a pity to change such mansions to modest odnushki. And again two or three generations lived together. Then the mass construction of family hostels, from which no one moved into their own homes.
What kind of separation (separation) from parents can we talk about, if families do not have elementary territorial boundaries? 2-3 generations have a common life, one refrigerator and one kitchen. Moreover, given the immaturity of the younger generation, the parents did not give her daughter married, and actually adopted her husband. Then nursed, almost Osinovaya their children. Here is a confusion of roles and lack of personal responsibility.
Why should the young father of the family dig the ground, make a career and strive for a higher salary? There are parents who will help with food and clothing. Sit yourself in the service – warm, light and flies do not disturb the sleep.
Why should a young mother look for her own approach to children and try new methods of education? It is much more convenient in the morning to hand over the child to other people’s aunts in the garden, and in the evening – in the hands of his grandmother. And she, as she can, as she understands, and brings up “old-fashioned”, “unfit for life” and socially unadapted grandchildren. Not because it’s bad or stupid, but because the time gap between her and her grandchildren is too big.
The scheme of “eternal losers”
So far we have talked about the material side of the matter. And then, as they say, the salvation of drowning in the hands of drowning. However, there are psychological consequences. They slam in front of the nose of the younger generation all the doors and gates. At the age of 25, a person already loses the ability to dream, reach and break through the wall with his forehead on the way to the stars.
If the child is not psychologically separated from the parents, he chooses one of the schemes:
1. The first scheme of life: “I will never be like you!”Here everything is built on the principle of “spite”, decisions are made in spite of, goals are achieved to prove that you are better than your mother.
2. The second scheme of life (about it we now speak): “Mother achieved nothing, and I won’t be able. I’m doomed to be a loser like you.” Naturally, people do not say so aloud – such beliefs are often not realized. Just the original message – my mother all my life was a cleaner (divorced, single mother) and did not give me a good education (did not show an example of life). I don’t think I can do more. The fate of this.
Both schemes are co-dependence with mother, absence of separation. Denial of the fact that she is an individual woman, with a separate mind, education, life experience, some features. Which is basically different from you, because she’s not you.
How to recognize codependence from parents?
Not always cohabitation makes adult children dependent. As well as separate housing not always “breaks off an umbilical cord” with mother.
Scenario one. Mother-in-law of my friend was in such a codependency that in 50 years I asked my mom how to do sandwiches. The daughter-in-law was speechless from this dialogue – the woman of pre-retirement age still consults with mother how it is correct to make sandwiches on a festive table.
The dependence was so strong that a 40-year-old woman voluntarily gave up her personal home. She was able to live with her husband and child separately when her mother got the apartment, but she chose to change two separate apartments to live with her mother again. Although she justified this decision by her daughter’s love and desire to take care of an elderly mother.
Scenario two. One of my friends (she is now under 70, and her mother soon 90 years) all his life lived under the same roof with her mother. Her only independent experience is studying at the Institute in St. Petersburg. And it ended quickly – unplanned pregnancy and an unsuccessful marriage. So this woman with the one-year-old son moved to mother and more any day didn’t live separately.
But the funny thing about it is that it’s so hard for both of them to live together. They argue, and disparage each other. The daughter always said: “Who else will take care of our mother? She’s old and feeble.” And the mother’s argument is the opposite: “Where are her one throw? She’s not joining the g…, so the party!”
Scenario three. At first glance, a typical spinster of 40 years. She lives with her mother all her life. Except for two months when she tried to rent an apartment. Suddenly the tap flowed, the refrigerator broke and the gas stove stopped working. I had to urgently return to my mother :).
The point of this story is that both secretly hate each other and constantly complain to all relatives. And scandals are quite real – with mats and assault. In this case, the old maid in public diligently plays the role of “good daughter”. And the mother tries to maintain a sense of need and demand, turning herself into a servant and a willing victim.
What do all these stories have in common? Co-dependent relationships “freeze” the development of adult children and deprive older women of a scanty chance to live for pleasure in old age.
Mother for the daughter becomes an excuse of all failures in life, and the daughter for mother – a good reason not to leave a zone of habitual discomfort. Proudly bent in half, bear his cross “best mother of the year.”
How to break the “umbilical cord” after 30?
Immediately I note that we are not going to “treat” mom. You can only work WITH YOURSELF. You can do nothing with other people, leave them alone, let them live their lives as they can.
To put the brain in place, we will only yourself. Change YOUR attitude towards the elderly parent. So, let’s start.
Step one: realize that you have the right to your own life with annoying mistakes and good decisions. Remember that you have the right to your personal, inviolable space, in which no one, even your own mother, has the right to invade without your permission. It’s not just about the physical expulsion of the mother of the room – it is capable of even teenagers.
You always have the right to say no to mom. Many “good daughters” find it difficult to interrupt an unpleasant conversation with her mother – “she has the right to find out with me.” Yes she does. But you have exactly the same right not to sort things out with her.
Step two: break up. And this item is not negotiable! To separate from parents, you must go to live in a separate area. Where mom will not have power, will not see your mistakes, criticize and “lay the straw.”
The most painless option – American. When 16 years old went to live in the campus at the University, and then to come home to parents and in the head, no one comes. Rent a house, rent a lifetime apartment or house, but do not live with their parents. This is a healthier interaction than our post-Soviet life in one territory for three generations.
And finally, stop trying to fit in. You’re not at the contest “Best daughter of the year” and do not even have to participate in it. You can’t fix your parents. But at least give yourself a chance to grow really, psychologically grow up and self-actualize in society.