How to separate from my parents or why I don’t live the way I want
Emotional separation from parents sometimes requires serious work on themselves in adulthood.
About why it is important to separate from parents, what to do with guilt and how to find a “Golden mean”, says psychologist and trauma therapist Ksenia Wittenberg.
Relationship with parents is a problem for most
About a third of all client requests are about relationships with parents.
Forces withstand this truth, to agree with his drama and to accept its as part of its history. And stop to demand the lost love and care or compensation for the suffering. This is the process of separation.
Begins, usually with such those:
After my mother’s call, I spend half the day depressed, digesting.
Why does she have to put me down as soon as I get better?
I would have left a long time ago, but how to leave my parents? They’re not self-sufficient.
Should my mom say, “what about me?”, immediately covers the sense of guilt, and it is easier for me to abandon plans.
I didn’t have a father. I mean, he was, but he didn’t do anything for us.That’s what people say when they’re not separated from their parents.
To have the courage and decide to see the unpleasant truth about yourself in the parent family is the first step to the exit and finding the strength to solve the problem.
That’s what people say when they’re not separated from their parents.
What do you mean ,not separate?
Separation from parents – is not to part with them and become economically independent (most of this more or less cope).
The Department is to become independent emotionally. To stop proving, to revel in doing the opposite, to be irritated, to take offense at parents, to be afraid of their assessment and their actions, to wait or demand help and take it for granted.
But not to avoid them, to ignore, to care, to intervene into their lives, solve their problems, to postpone because of them, dreams and plans, to see in them the cause of my failed life.
“Separation from a parent or partner is an individual’s ability to make autonomously direct (non-manipulative) independent choices while remaining emotionally connected to a system of meaningful relationships.”
Quote from lectures on family therapy Mark Yarhouse.
Autonomously and staying emotionally connected, but it’s not about one-time or emergency situations. At a critical moment it is normal to throw everything and to rush to the rescue.
Your parents are just people, good and bad at the same time, like all people on earth, with human capabilities and shortcomings.
That they are not all-powerful gods, as they were for us in infancy. Not the source of all wealth and pleasures, what was for us in early childhood. Not someone to whom you have to justify yourself, wait for permission, approval and try not to disappoint, as it was in elementary school.
Not stupid and limited beings, pressing and not which give to live, whatever they (perhaps) were perceived in adolescence.
They are what they are. What their made life and they themselves. They can be ignominious, indifferent, uninterested, selfish. They can solve their problems at your expense. And Yes, they may not love you.
Popular on the site: Four kinds of lies that you said unloved mother (approx.ed.)
To become Autonomous means to admit it
To agree that the parents did not know how to recognize it, stop demanding and wanting to get. That’s what separating means.
To agree that you could not love that you could use, could play on you their injuries and involve you in their destructive processes. Agree that the parents behaved with you as they could, and stop demanding their “tribute for 12 years.”
To see is not perfect (and, in fact, unattainable!), and a real image of parents, accept it and start to get all “negadanno”.
Maybe cook. Maybe sing. Maybe love. Maybe to take care of. Can, themselves to control. Can, communicate. Maybe keep order. Maybe be happy. Maybe deal with the difficulties.
If your mother does not know how to cook – will you wait for her culinary delights? No, most likely, even if you love to eat. You will become a regular of your favorite cafes/restaurants or finish cooking school.
See also: Mom doesn’t have (memo adult children) (approx.ed.)
Then why do you demand love from a dad who can’t love? Or heat from a mom who doesn’t know how to feel? To demand, to wait, to be offended without receiving, to be angry, to want to prove or to take revenge are signs that you have not yet separated.
To become Autonomous also means to recognize the autonomy of parents, giving up the childish arrogance that tells us that without us mom/dad can not cope. Or the fear that makes you serve your parents so you don’t have to be a bad daughter or son.
To become Autonomous means to accept that parents can not live the way we like: not to take care of health, behave ugly, quarrel among themselves, say what we do not want to listen to, want from us what we do not want to give.
To agree with this truly can be, only showing respect. Deep respect for their choice of how they live. Then we separate.
Start to respect the choice of parents
Respect is full agreement with everything that parents do, without emotions and desire to save, run away, revenge or correct.
If you say to yourself “Yes I respect their way of living!”, and you feel shame, irritation, desire to correct, or guilt, aspiration to please and “to pay a debt”, or you prove, are protected, argue, protest – you don’t respect and you didn’t separate.
If it seems to you that parents without you won’t cope, will be gone – you have no respect. And you’re confusing custody with care, and that’s not the same thing.
Stop trying to take care of parents
Caring is understanding needs and helping (not to the detriment of yourself and others) to meet them. Guardianship is the appointment of a person incapacitated and doing for him what he can and should do himself.
There’s respect in caring, there’s no trusteeship. By taking care, you rise above your parents, feel your power and authority. Taking care, you interact, taking your comfortable place next to mom or dad. When you care – you feel comfortable. If it is uncomfortable – then you take care or serve. The care and service they say that you have not yet separated.
“If a child thinks: “I need/and mom, without me mom can not” – a child in the service. Children often believe that they can and should save their mother or father, as if to make their fate less than it really is. Fate has dignity. To stop interfering in the lives of parents and save them, you need to move away and see their fate. Then respectfully accept their fate. It’s called growing up.”
A little more about guilt
So it is arranged in this world that parents give (give) to children life. Children do not return what they received to their parents, but give “debt” to their children.
Children can never achieve equality with their parents. What equal can a child give to parents for the life received?
Your life? They don’t. So nothing. He will give life to his children. Or their “spiritual children” – ideas, projects, achievements. This contributes to his separation from the parent family when he becomes an adult.
Guilt in children occurs when they grow up (can not pay the debt). This wine is a normal stage of growing up. We simply live it, understanding that it is separation from parents.
Complete separation from parents is impossible without full rapprochement. We need to get closer first. Come to parents if you have distanced yourself or ignore/avoid them.
A good war if you’re angry. To declare boundaries if you are afraid and allow to interfere in your life. Then to see them older eyes – as something bad and something good. Accept that they will not be different. To hear the respect for their way of life. Agree that you have all given and will not give more.
Then believe that you yourself are now the only person who can give you everything you want to get. That’s growing up.