Dreams of a "normal family". Two sides of the same model
Where do they come from these dreams of an ideal family? From childhood? But not the fact that you would like to live the way your parents lived. Probably the…

Continue reading →

Parents, don't teach us to live!
The question came: "How to make it clear to her husband's parents that the son has grown up, married and he has his own family! it is not necessary for…

Continue reading →

Home comfort – it's not scrubbed floors, and scrubbed from the beliefs of the head
Such words I heard from my husband, in response to accusations that he does not appreciate my efforts to maintain the household. It was at the very beginning of our…

Continue reading →

Diagnosis: depreciation. How to live?

The idea of this article hovered in the air for a long time, supported by doubts and non-existent grievances. Increasingly, I began to pull out of the context of “do not worry” and “Yes, it’s not worth it”, “come on, nothing special”, “everyone happens”. It’s about depreciation.

The most classic examples of this disease can be seen on the Playground:

– Mom, look what my castle turned out!
– Are you sure it’s a castle? More like a dead dinosaur.
(depreciation of actions)

– Dad, I belloooo aaiei I parayil palcic!
– Well, okay, you’re a kid or is that something different?
(devaluation of emotions)

Not far gone and school:

– Mom, I got an a for writing!
What did you want? Your grandmother is a teacher of literature. And Lena from a parallel class, among other things, the Olympics won. What’s it like for our grandmother to hear that?

(devaluation of qualities and achievements)

And here we are with all this baggage behind us go into adulthood and begin to devalue themselves and others.

It seems to us that we are not very beautiful, far from successful and not smart at all. We try to hide our vulnerability by holding back tears of emotion and hiding a smile where we think it is inappropriate.
We assure ourselves that everything that happens to us is absolutely unimportant and not worth being noticed. It’s nothing special.

Devaluing, we protect ourselves from past negative experiences and, as a result, lose opportunities in the present. We create armor and “sit in the house”, where the heat and tasty food.

A friend says: “Zhenya, you have to write, you are doing great”, and I replied: “Oh, nonsense, everyone writes, what’s there.”

Why am I doing this? And then that I’m trying to preserve my own self-esteem by protecting it from abuse. So that when the unflattering sounds: “What is this search for yourself, sucked out of the finger” – I was ready for this.

All these games in competition and fight against the invisible enemy come from childhood. Who forgot the very Lenka being the best written dictation or Kohl – math genius?

Often, the devaluation hides the fear to recognize one’s own vulnerability, to show true emotions. My friend, a kind-hearted man, not inclined, however, to show feelings, considering them a sign of weakness. It is easier for her to make an ironic comment than to admit that something touched her. And to cry and is ashamed, even though with joy.

Perhaps it’s time to deal with this pain in not so obvious place for it.

Diagnosis one: I devalue myself
Reveal how did a particular belief about yourself, what negative experience behind it. Someone’s carelessly thrown phrase or our own unfortunate actions or disapproving look. We remember the situation and separate ourselves from the past and the present. Yes, in the transitional age I had acne and a dozen extra pounds. Yes, I did not always have time for mathematics and physics, and sang not the most pleasant voice. But this does not mean that in my 32 I’m a fat fool without musical abilities.

Having completed mental excavations, we find positive attitudes and replace old beliefs.

This will help us a positive experience, such as a happy marriage, a career, and even the fact that the neighbors do not call the police when I want to sing in the shower. And friends – a storehouse of positive information about ourselves.

Call a friend and offer to remember your successes and achievements – at the same time have fun.
So, collect information bit by bit, grind into flour and part with the demons of the past.

“I am the most charming and attractive. All men are crazy about me…”

C/f “the Most charming and attractive.”

We get rid of the desire for perfection. Devaluing ourselves, we forget that life has given us unique abilities. We do not appreciate the gifts presented to us, remaining hungry at the trough filled with all sorts of dishes, and appeasing his inner criticism.

How to stop going on about the eternally dissatisfied monster of perfectionism? First of all, shake up your portfolio of honors and throw out of it such destructive installations as: “I have to be the best”, “I have no right to make a mistake”, “it is better not to start at all, if there is even the slightest chance not to succeed”, “to be worse than someone ashamed”, “a good assessment should be earned”.

Congratulations on finishing school – it’s time to be yourself! We are not better or worse than others – we are others, bold and beautiful in our own imperfection.

Perfectionism is not about finding the best. It is following the worst that is inside us, the voice that says that everything we do is not good enough and we have to try again.

Julia Cameron “the artist’s Way”

We believe in the importance of our business. Even if it seems to everyone that no one cares about your hobby and maybe you are crazy, even when you are attacked by criticism and overcome doubts…if you get real pleasure from what you are doing – continue to do it, no matter what.

If you hear an inner voice that says to you, “You can’t draw,” draw at all costs, and that voice will one day be silent.

Vincent Van Gogh

Remember about those who are dear to us. It really helped me to realize the fact that by devaluing myself, I cross out the contribution of people close to me in my life. I forget about my grandmother and my first Russian lessons, about my mother, who gave me the love of reading, about the teacher of literature Natalia Nikolaevna and passionate disputes in the class about happiness, sin and salvation in the name of love, about the incomparable Elena Ivanovna, thanks to which I still remember the declensions of adjectives in German.

Somehow I have no hands now to say that I am so a scribbler, and my German is desperately bad.

Diagnosis the second: me depreciate
Psychology defines devaluation as a form of psychological violence with options for getting rid of it in the form of escape from the source of danger. That is, simply offers to stop communicating with those who do not appreciate us.

This approach is not close to me personally: I am of the opinion that we get exactly what we deserve. We create our own reality, and if we are confident in ourselves and what we do, openly Express our emotions and feelings, then the question of devaluation of us by others passes into the category of conditional ones.

It is unlikely that we will be touched by a scathing comment or incorrect assessment, because both are a sign of weakness and own dissatisfaction of the interlocutor. If he touches you, say “thank you” (as that doctor opened purulent abscess), back to the first point and continue to work.
For me, there is nothing more exciting than to openly admit their weaknesses and transform them into advantages, filling the power of meaning.

When you are rejected and made to suffer, there is a thought that the offender and sought and evil intentions will guide them in the future. However, the thought is almost always wrong. Most often the abuser you’re just not interested. He’s not hurting you, you’re hurting yourself.

Charles Palliser, ‘Unburied”

Diagnosis three: I devalue others
Observe and notice. Often depreciation is due to habits, stereotype behavior, fear to show emotions or because of the desire to assert themselves. It is important to keep track of each of these moments, remember that carelessly thrown to her husband: “I’d Better call the master, your hands do not grow from that place” or son: “Look, what Ilyusha fellow, not that you” can hurt. We ourselves, without noticing that, build relationships on depreciation, and wonder why marriage is bursting at the seams, friends are all envious, and children are idiots, and even with a bad character.

I admit, it’s easier for me to Bang a fresh-cut” What are you whining about, it’s not worth it” than to ask what happened and how important it is and maybe actually worth the children’s tears.

Not compare. No one. Even if Bob is definitely better to solve problems, and Tankin husband earns more and has almost the Deputy, you do not live with Bob and not with someone else’s husband, and with his own men. I confess. Sometimes the old habit of some preachy, “And Masha…” on your mind. However, the realization that it carries nothing but humiliation and disappointment leaves it unspoken.

Thank. For me it is a godsend of the year, a panacea for depreciation.

Gratitude is good soil. It is possible to grow albeit not magical bushes of love, but it is a good tree with edible fruit.

Victoria Tokareva, “First attempt”.

How to thank? We keep a diary of gratitude. We remember everything that made our day better, and we note in the diary.

We used to pay attention to what we do not like, while the positive aspects do not notice, considering them something for granted.

The smile of a child, a Cup of hot tea, brought by her husband, cherry jam, cooked by grandma especially for you (and how she, blind, took out the bones with her wrinkled hands) – all these are great reasons for gratitude.

It's simple. About family rituals and traditions
Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of "deuce"/"Troika") I often touch themes family rituals and traditions. "What traditions do…


"Pregnant together": how to survive nine months and not get divorced
Advice from a family psychologist for those whose marital relationship is being tested by pregnancy. Relationships in a couple – a complex process and sometimes confusing, and if the couple…


Such a common story...
Part 1. Lyrical She calls her mother every day – morning and evening. She is the woman of a little over thirty, successfully (happily?) married, with two educations, now on…


Aging relatives. The tragedy of time
Aging is a multidimensional process, but more often the focus is on the medical aspect of late-age changes. However, for family members, the aging of relatives is a much more…