12 ways to forgive grievances parents
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Aging relatives. The tragedy of time
Aging is a multidimensional process, but more often the focus is on the medical aspect of late-age changes. However, for family members, the aging of relatives is a much more…

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Such a common story...
Part 1. Lyrical She calls her mother every day – morning and evening. She is the woman of a little over thirty, successfully (happily?) married, with two educations, now on…

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Such a common story…

Part 1. Lyrical
She calls her mother every day – morning and evening. She is the woman of a little over thirty, successfully (happily?) married, with two educations, now on maternity leave. She has a husband and a little daughter who love her and expect love from her.

She calls her mother hoping to hear from her that she loves her, thinks about her, hear just warm words of support, so necessary to her now. But in response she hears only the now familiar criticism, evaluation, instruction. Mom on the phone regularly tells her what a bad hostess she is, a useless mother, an ungrateful daughter.

She listens to all of this, then cries. Crying quietly, to no one in my family noticed her tears. But she keeps calling anyway. She hopes that her mother will ever change and tell her those words that she so long expected of her. She does not notice that there are two people who want her attention, love and warmth: husband and daughter.

Mom’s whole life waiting for similar words from my mom (grandmother). She, a woman in her fifties, calls her mother every day and hopes to hear from her words of love and support. She wanted it so badly that she gave up on herself. She did everything her mother wanted, trying to guess what she wanted. Yes, she did everything “correctly”: expelled from the house of the husband, he started drinking and was far not ideal, brought up one heroically the daughter.

Here was not before the gentle words and expressions of love-affection – education was strict. She did not spare instructions: how to live, what to do to grow decent. For the sake of her daughter, she gave up her personal life and put an end to her femininity: resisting nature managed to pacify through a series of surgical operations. She still hopes that her mother will change one day and tell her the words that she has been waiting for her for so long. She does not notice that there are two people who want her attention, love and warmth: a daughter and a granddaughter.

Grandmother is a heroic woman, a General in a skirt! All my life I worked selflessly and continues to do it now. In his almost eighty, working hard in the country, giving odds to his daughters. It feels like she lives while she works. Along the way, continues to actively “command the parade.” She has a wealth of life experience, and she continues to teach her family how and what to do, how to live without skimping on criticism, guidance, evaluation. It is “iron” and it was not until soft and “cheesy”. She still hopes that one day she will be able to teach them the mind and they will finally live the “right”life. She does not notice that there are close people who need her attention, love and warmth: daughters, granddaughter, great-granddaughter.

Daughter, a small girl, it almost three years. She does not understand what all these adults, people close to her want from her, but she tries to do it with all her strength. She so wants tenderness, care, love from her mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. From all these adults, smart and experienced people. She hopes, that someday they will change and will simply love its.

Regularly meeting with this kind of stories of my clients, I do not cease to be surprised by the power of maternal love. Each time I am impressed by how great the child’s need for maternal love is and how great the mother’s power over the child is. I am amazed how people manage to build relationships with loved ones, avoiding manifestations of love in every possible way. I admire the hope that never dies waiting to receive this love.

Working with such stories, you understand that here you face something systemic, something that goes beyond the experience of the individual. We are talking about the legacy that is passed down from generation to generation in the form of life attitudes, pictures of the World, pictures of the Other and ways of dealing with it, forming life scenarios.

In this case, we are talking about the method of interaction in the dyad “mother-child” with a violation of the “flow of love”. The method, which is copied over and over again, from mother to child, and is transmitted from generation to generation as a kind of relay, making unhappy all the “actors of this life theater”, but are powerless to change anything in relations with loved ones.

There’s no right or wrong, because everyone genuinely wants the good of another and does so, so maybe… But nevertheless, everyone is unhappy. And someone needs to break this vicious relay of dislike. Perhaps it is you.

Part 2. Practical
How to stop this relay of dislike? Here are some therapeutic recommendations.

The first step is to recognize your script.

The first step on this path is to recognize your life scenario, which does not allow you to establish a truly close relationship. Only then there is a chance to interrupt and break through to the proximity.

The scenario, according to Bern, is a constantly unfolding life plan of a person, formed in early childhood under the influence of parents. The family scenario contains established traditions and expectations for each family member, which are successfully passed on from generation to generation. Having received the instructions of the parents, the child unconsciously accepts them and forms the roles necessary for the implementation of his life drama. A distinctive feature of this life is its drama, and sometimes tragic. The marker of the scenario is its repeatability, which is manifested in the regular reproducibility of life, relationships, both at the level of personal history of a person and at the level of history of other members of his family.

In this case, we are talking about this kind of scenario relationships in which there are difficulties in the circulation of love between relatives.

Realizing your scenario, you have a chance to interrupt this automatic way of life, leading to a shortage of love in a close relationship.

Stage 2 – disappointed. And mourn the loss of the perfect mother.

The next step on the road to love will be the need to give up hope that your mom will one day change and give you what you’ve been waiting for her all your life. Hope is a purely “human” phenomenon. Hope does not allow illusions to die. And the truth of life is that people don’t change unless they want to. And they usually don’t want to. At least because they do not realize their life scenario traps.

Psychoanalysts, in particular Melanie Klein, argue that the child in the course of its development must survive the depressive phase. Its essence is the integration of the image of the mother, initially split into an ideal and bad mother. If the mother is a “living” person, she will inevitably make mistakes in contact with her child and recognize them. The child, meeting with the facts of his mother’s imperfection, experiences a phase of depression and disappointment. This allows him to meet with a real, imperfect mother – good enough (the term of another psychoanalyst Donald Winicott).

It is quite another thing when mothers, due to their personal characteristics, are unable to have close emotional contact with their child. Such mothers demonstrate emotional detachment in the presence of high functional involvement in the life of the child with no doubt about the correctness of their model of education.

A child in this situation is difficult to accept such a mother and for the rest of his life he is in search of the ideal mother. That’s really the best way to bind to a child is to deprive him of motherly love. More fully the mechanism and the reasons for this are described in detail by me in the article: the Illusion of a perfect world, or experience frustration.

Not received in heritage from his mother the gift of unconditional love these children for the rest of my life hungry for her. Passionately in need of it, they themselves are unable to give love to others.

This stage is perhaps the most difficult. The person continues to “run in the fourth Tonel”, knowing that there is no cheese. Because he, unlike the rat, has a hope that supports his illusions.

Stage 3 – Wake up your adult part.

At this stage, there is a person’s appeal to his adult inner part and its adoption.

To do this, you need to create a situation of meeting with your adult part. To do this, it is useful to ask yourself the following reflexive questions:
How old am I, really? (We are talking about passport age)
What do I know about myself as an adult?
What I am an adult (adult male, adult female)?
How do I feel as an adult?
What do I want as an adult?
What is your dream?
What can I do as an adult?
In order to make it easier to answer these questions, you need to remember the situations in which you felt strong, confident, an adult. Speaking the answers and immersing yourself in this state restores and strengthens the belief in your own ability to cope with life’s difficulties and forms the position of the “Inner adult”.

Stage 4 – learn to take care of your “Inner child”.

The task of a person who wants to “grow up” his inner child is to try to be at least sometimes such a parent for him – attentive, caring, sensitive, unconditionally loving and accepting.

How to do this? You can go to the toy store and choose the toy that you like, emotionally affected. You need to try to imagine that this toy is you – a small, in need of care and love – your Inner child. In the future, getting into a situation of insecure, restless, dependent state, it is necessary to take care, support, take care of your psychological “double”. As a result of this kind of attentive and caring attitude on the part of the Inner parent to his Inner child, a person should have a sense of reliability, stability, confidence and the possibility of internal dialogue as a condition of self-support.

If you have a child, it is better to do it with him. Paradoxically, by taking care of your child, giving him what was so important to you, you will take care of your inner child, nurturing and nurturing him.

How to do this? You can go to the toy store and choose the toy that you like, emotionally affected. You need to try to imagine that this toy is you – a small, in need of care and love – your Inner child. In the future, getting into a situation of insecure, restless, dependent state, it is necessary to take care, support, take care of your psychological “double”. As a result of this kind of attentive and caring attitude on the part of the Inner parent to his Inner child, a person should have a sense of reliability, stability, confidence and the possibility of internal dialogue as a condition of self-support.

If you have a child, it is better to do it with him. Paradoxically, by taking care of your child, giving him what was so important to you, you will take care of your inner child, nurturing and nurturing him.

As a result of such exercises, everything else, a person develops empathy, such an important and indispensable mechanism for understanding the Other and the condition of intimacy with him. In this kind of relationship, a person has a new function, the function of “give”, in my opinion, the leading function of the maturity stage.

The result of the described work is a Meeting with reality. This is the reality of adulthood. A life where you don’t expect someone to give you something, but you take it and give it to someone Else. Life where you don’t live on other people’s scripts, and am myself the author of my life and can write their own life scripts.

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