Traps that are easy to get into, sincerely wishing happiness to their children
– My mother continues to own my life. I resent that! What am I to do?
– How old are You?
– You live with your mother?
– No, she bought me and my husband an apartment.
– Who issued?
– She, she’s afraid we’ll break up and he’ll take half.
– Are you financially independent from your mother?
Not really. I’m not working, I have a child for almost three years, and with gardens to the problem. And actually, I think that a woman should be with child, to create coziness at home!
Yeah, right. And my mother still helps somehow?
– Well, she takes her granddaughter when I need to go out or get some rest. Give gifts. We also went to Cyprus for my birthday, and my daughter was left with her. Sometimes he buys delicious food, we go to the clinic together, I am very worried, now such doctors, horror.
– Yeah. What Angers You?
– She asked, as the husband and why he refused to go to the firm that my mother’s friend had suggested. There he would be paid 15 thousand more. But he did little at home would be! – confused, indignant.
And when mom asks about it? I mean, just on the doorstep, or at lunch, or what?
– When I ask for money, we don’t have enough. And she gives, but constantly me fosters, says that me to do, and to husband with their cable climbs. I don’t want her money. And her help.
– Is that really true?
– That is, You would like that mother to give You and Your family money, sat with the child, helped with the housework, and at the same time was quiet, polite, imperceptible?
In the answer smiles. Silently nodding head. Cheeks slightly blush.
You want your child to be happy. I want that.
There are several pitfalls that are easy to fall into, sincerely wishing happiness to their children.
Do for them what children can already do themselves;
Demand from them what they can not yet.
Two extremes that lead to the same result – the child does not grow up. He gets used to being a helpless passive consumer.
In the first case – because it is so profitable. In the second – because in his experience he was required to do something impossible, and he learned that he was a loser.
No matter how old your child is now, as soon as you think about whether you do not violate the boundaries of personality and the boundaries of its capabilities, slow down, and determine clearly:
What you want?
What and what help will be useful for your child?
What will lead to the fact that he will remain a greenhouse flower-infantile?
And then, gently and consistently follow your decision.
I know how difficult it is to stop active, socially successful parents who sincerely, heartily want “the best” and for a long time. Ride like tanks on the territory of the lives of their children. At the same time providing them, and sometimes pushing, “humanitarian” assistance.
Find here the line between “I love my child, it’s all for him” and “my child is an adult, independent, I love him and am proud that he is strong and free” is often very difficult.
For this, there are helpful assistants to psychologists.
If time does not teach her baby to be independent, to be individual, if you continue to violate his boundaries,
Or it will come off one day, perhaps through an acute conflict;
Or will remain so, an appendage to the parent system, and did not live his own life.
There are two main options for trespassing children-parents.
When resources of children are used for parents, and those different manipulations pull them:
Oh, if you marry him, I’ll have a heart attack.:
Ay, if you marry her, I’ll die right away.
And their more soft and subtle variations.
Behind them is the desire to control children and use their resources for themselves.
In this case, psychological separation is a vital necessity for a child who “sits” on a powerful hook out of guilt and duty, which he was vaccinated for many years.
The downside is when adult children comfortably ride on the necks of their parents through life, and their claims to their parents – “not so lucky”, “give little”, “themselves to blame for not teaching, not brought up”, etc.
About the boundaries
In a pathological merger – stuck in a co-dependent relationship, the boundaries are greatly blurred, and people cease to distinguish where and whose interests, territory, area of responsibility.
The main reason parents and children allow their borders to be violated is a secondary benefit. May be material, may be psychological.
When defending their borders there is a high risk of conflict, and there is a risk that such a close, albeit painful relationship will no longer be.
What does it make sense to focus on if you are in a relationship where your boundaries are severely violated?
First of all – on internal and external independence. All your time and attention you can direct to creating conditions for yourself in which you can say a calm “no” there and then, where and when You want it.
If you clearly understand what to spend their energies to develop themselves, to work on the establishment of its independence, you don’t want to or can’t, then you face a completely different challenge:
How to learn how to interact with the “donor-aggressor” in the person of a parent or someone else so that you are as comfortable as possible.
That means the development of communication skills in the direction of “affectionate calf two moms sucks” or other cunning ways to get resources and avoid external control.
Any development leads to the fact that you change.
In the first case, in a few years you can become self-confident, free, strong, open and sincere person who provides for their own needs and is able to build relationships with people on a mutually beneficial basis, to cooperate.
In the second option, you may reach the level of Machiavellian and Carnegie art in one bottle, in fact, by means of cunning interpersonal diplomacy to ensure their interests.
One way or another, but the question of respect for other people’s borders is solved due to the fact that both partners are equal participants in the contact and you can start to solve it exactly at the point where you are now with an answer to simple questions:
Who am I?
What do I have now?
What do I want to achieve in the future?
What am I willing to give in a relationship?
What do I want and need?
What qualities do I need to develop and develop in myself to get what I want?
What exactly can I do now to move towards my goal?