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Parents, don't teach us to live!
The question came: "How to make it clear to her husband's parents that the son has grown up, married and he has his own family! it is not necessary for…

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If you are a mom – take care of yourself. It’s your responsibility

It does not matter, 5 years old child, 25 or 40, if you are a mother, your task does not change: you accommodate feelings, extinguish fear, give stability. There is no one but you to do it. And without this it is difficult for a person to live. Not getting support from you, the child builds it himself, and as proper oporozhnenie no one has taught his strategies are often maladaptive: diseases of the body, nervous disorders, trouble in my life.

What’s that got to do with it? In the literal sense at all. About a man who received support from parents, saying: “Nothing of him/her not answering,” or “dusted himself off/confused and went/and” or “was born with the caul/Las”, etc. and whining, disease, poor health and eternal trouble is not destiny, and call for help, search the equilibrium point.

At any age there are moments when someone has to give support from the outside. Even if you have a thousand supports inside, sometimes you need a thousand first, a new one. Ideally, it is given by parents. When there are no parents or they can not, because they themselves without support, then give friends, spouses, psychotherapist, temporarily “getting up” for you in the parental place.

In marriage, it is good if people do it in turn: I will support you now, because I have free energy, and then you do me when you have a resource, and I do not. Be sure to take turns, otherwise you risk constantly supports “increment” to the parent site. And then come the problems in sex (how to sleep with someone who is a “parent”? parents do not sleep), start resentment and claims (“parent” the same “needs”, why not?), distorted perception of reality (I’m small and helpless, and you are all-powerful and big).

If you are a mother, take care of the free inner space where the child can come and bring their feelings. And you will not be afraid of them, do not depreciate in fear (“is it worth crying because of such nonsense!”), don’t try to “turn off”, not withstanding his/her pain (“what sniveling/a! Big/th already!”), will not run away, hiding in busyness or illness (“the bad mother/mother’s busy, then”) and not attack preemptively, tumbling to the child of their own feelings.

The latter is especially important. Sometimes mom’s intention to support confuse “giving” and “taking” and, therefore, confusing role. It happens when mom grew up without emotional parental support. And now he shares his feelings with the child, “so that our relationship was trusting, and not like me and my mother.” Some mothers are proud that they are ” friends “with their children and tell each other everything. I ask then, who is your mother? If the child is aware of your emotional and other problems, does he have a resource to help you? And are there forces to cope with the feeling of helplessness that he feels, seeing your suffering and not being able to stop them? Should I? No, of course, mother says, he doesn’t have to do anything! But the younger the child, the more egocentric (this is the norm for the child), and in his perception – everything that happens because of him or for him. And you with your problems, too.

What, not talk about your feelings at all?

Say. But only about those that are right now in contact with the events in the center of which you and the child. “You were afraid of firecrackers? I, too, felt alarmed, but already had calmed down. Come, I’ll give you a hug.” “I can’t paint with you right now, I’m upset, I want to sit and calm down. And then draw.” “Today after kindergarten we will not go to the Playground. I’m very tired at work, I want to lie down a little. And after dinner, we’ll read or play with you.” And no, “the Grandmother only cares about herself, her grandchildren do not need nafig!”or “Your dad won’t listen to me,” or “If I don’t finish this project by Friday – it’s a disaster.”

Of the two of you, mom is you, it’s you who can accommodate the child’s feelings, not him. You need to complain, I want to “on handles”? call your mom. Or a friend. Cry to your husband, wife, sister, godmother, beloved uncle. Or go to a psychologist, or to Church, or to the gym. They are big, bigger than you or just like you, and they have a place for your feelings. The child is small, he has no place for your feelings. And you have his feelings – there is. Don’t confuse that, please.

And take care of yourself. It’s your responsibility if you have children.

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