Husband and father. Find the differences
The husband is often found in the projection of the father, these two figures, in the perception of women, interwoven into one. If father was brutal – husband is perceived…

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It's simple. About family rituals and traditions
Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of "deuce"/"Troika") I often touch themes family rituals and traditions. "What traditions do…

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Parents
In order to endure childish affection, which may seem clingy and annoying, as well as children's affects like outbursts of hatred for younger brothers and sisters, and children's whims, and…

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Happy family model: where to get it?

The ability to model, imitate, adopt the skills of other people is one of the basic skills of any person. Let us remember how a small child learns: he watches. He carefully watches what mom or dad does, and it does not matter what it is: cooking, talking on the phone, joint “gatherings” in the evening or silent games in offense.

The child in this case is not much different from the alien, who was sent to the planet Earth with some special and responsible mission. The kid can not yet assess what is happening. He actively records the information coming from the outside and, having accumulated it enough, without much thought, begins to implement the learned patterns of behavior in life, that is, trying to repeat what mom or dad recently did.

And if simple enough or “vyzhivatelnogo” skills manifest themselves immediately, like a child soon says the words, mom puts the phone to his ear, imitating the intonation of parents and cartoon characters, others, not such necessary qualities are manifested much later.

Really, what difference does it make to the kid that tells dad mum compliments and soothes her when she is not in the spirit or not? Do parents put up immediately after a quarrel or two weeks do not talk? If mom admires the Pope when speaking with friends or a “wash up his bones was worth”?

“Shadows” from the past

All of the above – no more than the shadows that settle somewhere on the far,far side of the unconscious and seemingly remain there forever. But forever? I remember one phrase in this regard, which I read from one author: “Never is too long.”

And indeed, sooner or later comes hour, when “the shadows” revive. By the way, there is nothing mystical: long “forgotten” patterns of behavior suddenly emerge at a time when the grown-up child himself begins to build his own model of family relations. The most amazing thing here is that the information obtained from books, movies, stories from friends and acquaintances is only a set of sounds, pictures, emotions, as the process begins to control all the same “shadows”.

Re-entering into a new relationship, a person realizes that again and again encounters the same problems. The new partner does not change anything fundamentally. Time after time, the relationship develops in a similar way, “getting sick” the same ailments and becoming the same tense, complex, nervous, toxic.

Often the situation when client comes and says: “I met the man I seem to really love. But I’m afraid that the relationship with him will develop all the same vicious scheme.” And this fear is quite justified, because the model of building family relationships, learned from parents, has an extremely strong influence. A living illustrative example is absorbed several orders of magnitude deeper than a film or someone’s story. If we had the opportunity to live in different families, to observe their patterns of relationships, then perhaps we would have a choice. But more often than not, we simply do not have such a choice, and we are forced to move along the beaten path. The shadows take matters into their own hands.

“I don’t have a model of a happy family. Where to get it?”

When we talk about the model of behavior, we assume that to build it you need to answer literally two or three questions. These questions are: “what?”how?”and, last, but only in order, the question “why?”. That is, you need to determine for yourself what to do, how to do and for what.

For example, in the context of relationships, we understand that we are excessively offended by the partner. Hearing the notes of condemnation in his voice, we feel a fit of anger and lose control. The consequences can not be described in detail: spoiled mood, output, vacation, broken dishes, etc. let’s Try to build a model in this narrow issue.

“What do I want to do?”– calmly react to the dissatisfied or condemning tone of the wife/husband.

“How exactly can I keep calm?”– pinch yourself (for example, the earlobe) to prevent the reaction of anger from starting and try to answer first to yourself the question “what exactly upset her/him?”and then ask the question out loud.

“Why should I behave so strangely and unconventionally to keep calm?”– this question will be mandatory if there are doubts about the chosen method of action. The answer is obvious in principle: to improve our relationship by showing the partner sincere love and respect.

I gave this simplified example to show that there is no problem in creating a behavioral model, including for a happy relationship. In an extreme case, such a model can be seen, as in the parable, which I can not lead here.

In one small town there are two families living next door. Some spouses constantly quarrel, blaming each other for all the troubles and figuring out which of them is right, and others live together, no quarrels with them, no scandals. Marvels of the shrew mistress happiness neighbor. Envies.

Says to her husband:

– Go, see how they do it so that everything is smooth and quiet.

He came to the neighbor’s house, hiding under the open window. Watches. Listens. And the hostess just order in the house leads. Vase expensive dust wipes. Suddenly the phone rang, the woman was distracted, and the vase put on the edge of the table, so much so that is about to fall. But then her husband needed something in the room. He hooked a vase, it fell and broke. “Oh, what will happen now!”the neighbor thinks.
The wife came, sighed with regret, and said to her husband:

Sorry, darling. My bad. So sloppy vase put.
What are you? My fault. I was in a hurry and did not notice the vase. Yeah, okay. We would have had no greater misfortune.

Hurt heart ached from a neighbor. He came home upset. Wife to him:

– What took you so long? Looked?
– Yes!
How are they doing?

– Just have them all to blame, and here is have us all are right!

If there is a model, what is the difficulty?

It turns out that to create, build or spy on a model of family happiness is not so difficult. The most difficult begins at the moment of its embodiment in life. With all the simplicity and attractiveness of the model, where “all to blame” for some reason does not work. No amount of willpower helps to avoid another outburst of anger, resentment, condemnation and irritability.

The fact is that in addition to the three “magic” questions that-how-why is there another question: “Why?”

It is he who is the pass for a new model in life. “Shadows” continue to exist, because in the depths of the soul are perceived as something real and right. As the saying goes, “a full jug can not be filled”, therefore, as long as the old models do not make room for the new. Until there is not the slightest doubt that the new way of behavior is worth it to start living on its basis. Until a person finds answers to the questions “why”:

– Why should I stop behaving in the old way and abandon the old models of family relationships?

– Why is it important to me, and I want to start a new life?

– Why is that even possible for me?

In conclusion of this article I want to say more directly about the happiness of the relationship. The latter will never be happy if a person gets stuck on his own Self, continuing to defend his own rightness and trying to be always good and right. Often the secret of happiness is so simple and unpredictable as the next, concluding the parable.

A group of 50 people received a task to write their desire, pack it in a ball and inflate, indicating their name on it with a marker. Now they ran into the room and asked to find their balloon within 5 minutes.

All desperately rushed to look, facing each other, it was chaos. As a result, in 5 minutes no one could find their own balloon. Then they were asked to randomly take a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. A few minutes later, everyone had their own balloon.

The lecturer said: “This is what happens in our lives. Everyone is desperately looking for happiness around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness lies in the happiness of others. Give them happiness, you get your own in return.”

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