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It will be small or who have a family to support?

Tradition or partnership?
Traditionally in our society it is believed that the main earner of money in the family should be a man. On the Internet you can find articles like “What if the main earner – wife?”that is, it is considered as a problem. And never got something like “What to do if the husband earns more?!”At the same time, the reality is very different from the old ideas about “breadwinners”: women often earn no less, and even more than men.

Another question, which can also often be found on forums and in real conversations – “is it Worth pulling not working/earning a little husband?”That is, if the husband does not earn – why is he needed at all? Worry and husbands, reducing all variety of men’s roles only to one function – to bring money to the house. The rest – the role of the father of their children, the owner of the house, the emotional support of his wife – are considered as secondary.

In the ideal picture of a modern family (which, like everything ideal, practically does not occur), marriage is a joint venture of two adults and equal people, aimed at supporting the development of each of the partners.

In the ideal picture of a traditional family, marriage is the transfer of a woman to a man for the birth and upbringing of children (and housekeeping) in exchange for her provision and protection.

In the first, “equal” case, there is no rigidly defined and sex-bound role of the earner – the money is extracted by the one who does it better, and the second partner contributes through other aspects of family life – children, home, emotional support – and they are considered as equivalent to the salary. And then, as will agree, and will be. In the search for security, partners grasp at traditional roles, trying to manipulate them in order to force each other to do something that they cannot directly agree on. And, what is funny, sometimes because of the fact that adhere to these roles.

Earn – “men’s business”, and the husband earns and besides not compensate for this difference, using in the home and with children (arguing that “nemojkin” nature of these sessions)?

Okay, push down on the vanity, will be ashamed of, to hint, to nudge, to try to “inspire”, to beg. That is, a significant part of not unlimited mental resources to spend on something to move from the place of an inert or even resisting person, and not on their own development.

What for? To feel safe? How is it possible to be protected, if you know that the activity of men depends on yours? Family money is not enough? Then this is the task of both partners, and if one of them does not contribute to its solution, then there is no partnership as such.

It happens that women use a huge amount of energy to promote their spouses, are proud that thanks to their efforts they grow and move.

Here only very seldom receive gratitude and recognition of the efforts – in traditional representation about “the man-breadwinner” there is no place for such recognitions.

What then is the answer to the question “what if the husband does not work for a long time/does not want to earn as much money as the wife wants or the family needs”? In the traditional (hierarchical) model, the answer is: push, saw, beg, manipulate, demand, inspire, and hope. Do not forget to qualitatively deal with the house, children and making money. In the framework of the partnership (equal) model: to negotiate the responsibilities, and if it does not work – to direct energy to their own development. However, in this case, the husband may not be necessary. What about love? And it is expressed including in readiness to work. If it is not – what kind of love.

“I want him…”
Money in the family may not be enough for various reasons. Psychologist Andrei Golub tells what to pay attention to and what questions to ask a friend and, most importantly, yourself.

Natalia: My husband is a biologist. He loves his profession, he found his calling, but there is one problem – his calling does not allow him to fully support the family. He is engaged in science and gets great joy from it, works part-time, in his spare time leads a free circle for students. Before the birth of my daughter, I worked as an accountant, I had enough money. But as a result, I am already in the second consecutive decree, it is impossible to live on his salary, our parents help us, and this worries me. And the husband is sure that we “will break”, after all the main thing – love and children.

Andrei Golub: I would suggest to understand what you both want from family life and from each other. If you consciously planned a second child and a second maternity leave, knowing that the husband sees the meaning of life in his business, but it does not bring money – you probably discussed how you will build a life. And if not – it’s time to do it!
It seems that you do not hear each other and do not understand: the husband is satisfied with the format of the family that is now, and you need a little more, a different level of material well-being.

On the one hand, you can not only expect it from her husband, but also to do something to affect this well-being. On the other – if there is dissatisfaction, it is important to discuss with her husband. If you convey to your husband’s expectations, or you think it needs to guess about this without words? But this is an illusion, a person does not have telepathic abilities, but certainly hear and understand the specific issues – especially related to the well-being of the family and children.

Marina: My husband is almost an ideal husband. He is kind, caring, economic, knows how to do everything with his hands (and does), works in the field of construction.

His salary is less than my half – in General, enough money, but he, of course, strained.

I, too, get restless, I was so brought up, that the husband should be the breadwinner, and I do see its potential. We both understand that now he can not earn more – for this to happen, he needs to get a special education, improve his skills, he is very shy, does not want to spend time and money on it.

Andrei Golub: it Seems that you are worried that your husband is not realizing his potential. Most likely, this is such a transfer of their life tasks to the life of another person. Pay attention to how much you feel yourself realized, whether you have opportunities for development, what you do for yourself – so that it gives you joy and satisfaction. I would suggest asking yourself: why are you trying to solve your husband’s problems instead of him, to take responsibility for him? He’s clearly a confident man who can make his own decisions. Focus on yourself – as long as you think that your husband is not sufficiently realized, you are moving away from your own tasks. And then the situation will change.

Yana: My husband is a very reckless person. For 10 years he has no permanent job (five of them we live together), but there are projects of varying degrees of success. He has an economic education, but working “for his uncle” is almost an insult, so you can never predict how much he will earn this month. My question is “what will we live on?”sounds regular. We have a son, I want more children, but to live without confidence in the future is terribly difficult.

Andrei Golub: You want a predictable life, the ability to plan it is a natural desire. But so far it turns out that you are speaking from the position of “a man should”, not taking into account his opinion. For example, right now he is at the stage of preparation for the implementation of the next idea. Either you are ready to wait, “support your husband, believe in him – and then get the result, or you want “everything at once” – but at the same time you ignore his values and needs, and misunderstanding and irritation accumulate between you.

As long as your uncertainty sounds like a claim to your husband and doubts about him, you are confident in advance that “he should.”

It is important to start a dialogue to build communication not on assumptions. Ask your husband how he sees your life together. Express specific doubts and needs: “I want the income to be stable, otherwise I worry and worry that the child will not get everything we need, that we do not have a “safety cushion”. Ask him the question: “I said what worries and frightens me, how do you feel about it?”And the answers can be different, for example: “I hear everything, I agree with you, I try, everything will change soon” – this is one thing. “I’m tired of demands, leave me alone” is quite another. “Let’s decide together” – third.

Julia: My husband left work two years ago to sit with our newborn twins. I have a good career, and we decided – he will go to the decree, then we’ll see. My husband loved being a “householder” (and in General he is a designer), and he copes so well with the children and the house that we have left everything as it is – one of my salary is enough for life. But faced with misunderstanding, particularly from the grandparents: “man in apron”, “how could you”, “it needs to support a family”. Now I’m worried – what if he’s really uncomfortable?

Andrei Golub: Yes, it is not easy to oppose public opinion. Focus on the fact that your family choice is comfortable for you, but think about why it bothers you? You are still in doubt, you live right?

People who are confident in the correctness of their decision are not particularly guided by the opinions of others.

It is necessary to understand, in fact, and you, and her husband well? Perhaps there are hidden doubts or experiences? It is important to talk about this: how sincerely everyone likes this state of Affairs. There is a risk that the husband is afraid to declare the desired changes, or you yourself feel that the working leadership role is in the family and you do not have the “female” part in the relationship, it causes a sense of doubt and concern.

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