A life that wasn’t meant for me
What can you do for me? What does life look like that I can live? What is my measure of well-being and happiness?
What is my “share” and what is my “destiny”?
And most importantly – the Price. What would I have to pay if I dared to go beyond the bounds of what I was allowed to do?
Everything that happens to us is the result of our choice. Not the forces of heaven, but our own choice and the limits of this choice determine our destiny.
In small things and in large we choose, based on what is in our picture of the world and what we can choose from all this.
“Once the king of beasts issued a decree that every animal should come to him at the appointed time to become a dinner for the lion. Goes all wolf on a piece of paper notes – who in what day of the week will come. Reached the hare: “Hare, your day is Friday! Got it?”Understood! Can we not come?” “Possible. So, hare strike out…”
Is that okay, too?
Many of the opportunities offered by the world we do not notice, because for us they simply do not exist. For someone there is, and for us – there is no. Therefore, other people’s success stories have an enlightening – healing effect – they show that “it is also possible.” Someone allows himself to live a life that I do not even have in the picture of the world. Thus, people expand our understanding of the possible, and we can already at least look in the other direction, outside our corridor.
All right, that’s enough.
Most dreams remain where they should be – in fantasies and dreams, because someone, of course, so can, but certainly not me. This life is not for me.
A child who dreams of an expensive Bicycle knows that he will never get it – there was no such money in his family. “It’s not bad to dream,” mom would say, wiping her hands on her apron. At least dream! You can dream, you can not have.
The kid, who often has a sore throat, knows that no matter how delicious and desirable would not be ice cream, he can not. Everyone can, but he can not.
The unspoken, but clear boundaries of “what I can do” define the boundaries of choice in actions, in actions – where a person lets himself.
What about me?
Can I ask you to turn off the air conditioner if it blows, move the chair, choose the best place? You can opt out if you don’t like, or should eat, what gives? Can you Express your opinion or should you unquestioningly obey the authorities?
Is it possible to want and have something that my parents do not and have never had? Is it possible to do what no one in our family has done before me?
It would seem, of course, – to grow, develop and get everything you want to please yourself and your family.
Family covenants and accepted, habitual way of life has not been canceled.
A young couple with a large plot of land, every year planting potatoes. Dig, tear, the most part of a crop vanishes, but they can’t refuse to themselves this annual program as “the earth shouldn’t be empty”. Planting all the lawn grass can not – “so it is not accepted by the people.” Someone so, of course, can, but not they. Such a life is not for them.
And there are no longer living parents – those who could scold, force, convince to plant these potatoes. No need. Mom and dad – they’re not around, and in the head.
We all came from our families. From generation to generation, our family, as the river paved its way, it determined its shores and direction of movement – what to strive for and what to want, how many children and when to give birth, what education to receive, what prosperity to have, what we have accepted and what not. How do people who belong to our family and our family live?
Every cricket stick to his last.
Every family has its own limits. Someone can, and an army to lead, and someone, becoming gen. Director of a large company, feels out of place. “Not on me shirt sewn..”; “There are better candidates for this place”; “Something I strongly swung, as-would navel not to tear”. “The biggest thing I had to dream about was a rented apartment in Chelyabinsk, and an inexpensive foreign car on credit, and I swung like that!”
Do not live lavishly and there is nothing to start.
And a person feels unworthy of such a life, as if it is not his life. He has no right to be here, not by rank, not by status, not by birth. He didn’t come from there, and there was no such thing in their family. Therefore, he builds his life as if he was just a guest at this celebration of life – unconsciously trying not to linger in periods of well-being for a long time, as if there is a norm of happiness and wealth, measured personally to him, and it is categorically impossible to cross it.
Know their place. Keep your head down, Not us.…
For several generations, members of many Russian families have survived thanks to the ability to be content with little and “keep a low profile”. This survival strategy was adequate to the policy of the country. The whole system was aimed at eradicating dissent and keeping the people within strict limits. Show initiative and violent activities was not something that is not accepted, and deadly. At any moment, a person could be outside the law – a “traitor” and “enemy of the people.” Every family has a memory of the hard, traumatic events experienced by family members, and what happens to those who dare to even think differently. And even if these events were never spoken aloud, the memory of them, as a Covenant for the future, is stored in the unconscious of the family system. Each member of the family “spinal cord” feels what happens to those who dare to go beyond what is permitted.
Be faithful to the precepts of the family.
Being faithful to your family is unconsciously or consciously making the same choices as your grandparents, your grandparents, and your father.
…”Choose a kind, easygoing guy as your husband. Be the head of the family and pull your husband and children like I did.”
…”Find a man to bear his children, but to live with him was impossible. And stay herself with two children proud and self-sufficient, like all women in our family.”
…”Find yourself a woman to punish, to suffer as I do. And don’t be happy with her!”
…”Choose a disease, the same as I chose, then you will prove that you are really my daughter.”
…”Serve people. Sacrifice yourself. And then maybe you can reach our greatness with your father. Maybe then we can accept you as a worthy continuation of our kind.”
To dare to go beyond the picture of the world of the family is like going into outer space.
To fly beyond his native universe, go where no one has stepped foot before you. Become a pioneer. And thereby expand opportunities for the whole family. From now on, they too will be “allowed.”
But courage does not pass without a trace – the right to live another life has to be paid.
Payment for happiness.
In a country where 8 million people died of hunger and 26 million did not return from the war, it is not accepted to show their happiness.
Every family history has its traces of these great tragedies. Most of those who survived were indebted to those who died or died of starvation. And this debt can only be paid with your life. Giving myself away piece by piece, for example, doing one operation after another, as my own grandmother did.
Often joy, happiness, tenderness, affection ordinary things, and maybe the well-being and prosperity be in the family under the ban.
The roots of this prohibition lie in family history. And each family has its own.
He who breaks this prohibition voluntarily, but unconsciously can pay not only for happiness, but even for thoughts about it.
Some families traditionally pay with their bodies.
“Every year, since my 20 years, I could not survive a single holiday, not to get sick. When the children were born, we had only to invite guests, as one of the children was very ill. After a while we stopped calling guests to the house. Any anniversary, guests or a pleasant event, such as a long-awaited trip abroad – I get sick, so much so that the operation. It is necessary to postpone everything – to do operation, to recover and try to go again. Recently, the daughter got together with the children to the sea for the first time in a beautiful, expensive place – so the day before her visit the night I had to call an ambulance heart attack.”(The story of a woman 60 years.)
Someone chooses a simpler way: pays with money and their own emotional resources.
“You first patch propoli, rose bushes planted, and then to the ball, get ready.”
Often a more successful family member makes unspoken commitments to pull or support their entire family. And the family takes this state of Affairs for granted.
And then it may be that the young woman will be years to pull a long-unemployed older brother and mother or to support a drinking sister, or fully provide for all the whims of their parents living at her expense. As if she was trying to pay off her family for their right to live a better life.
Being associated with someone, and especially with your family, is one of the meta-needs of a person. A sense of belonging to the family compels us to remain committed to the choices that the family has made before us. So we often do not let ourselves into another life out of solidarity to his mother or father, grandmother or grandfather.
Stay on the wave.
Not only the feeling of guilt before the family pulls us back, but also fear.
Because of the skill to live as we have. so work, so relax, so build your life. at any moment, the environment can be less supportive and paralyzes the realization: “God, I can’t swim!”
And the body starts to panic and drown. Metaphorically – which yesterday successfully solved; physically ill, somatizers, to sleep, to hide, to forget about appointments, to back down, cower into a ball and say, “Leave me alone, I’ll die here…”
And even drown in reality.