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Aging is a multidimensional process, but more often the focus is on the medical aspect of late-age changes. However, for family members, the aging of relatives is a much more…

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It's simple. About family rituals and traditions
Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of "deuce"/"Troika") I often touch themes family rituals and traditions. "What traditions do…

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I hate my sister
About jealousy between siblings (siblings) used to speak as a normal feeling. No one perceives it as a kind of imbalance, rather we tend to consider it as a necessary…

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Family vampires: one controls, the other sabotages

I’m sure it’s really very hard and unpleasant, when you are used as a trash can for the disposal of negative emotions. And in his own home.

But what does control have to do with it? Let’s see where the controllers come from-fans of the apartment scale.

For example, in the parent family, a person had blurred boundaries. This means that the excitement went freely from one family member to another and in a circle, closing most often on the child. Under the excitation of I mean exclusively characteristic of neural processes, most often it manifests itself in the form of anxiety.

Take a specific situation. For example, the mother wronged mother-in-law, mother got angry, felt worthless, a bad mother and the list goes on. It is with this anger she could not cope. And then she caught sight of a child. Of course, it was all his fault. He’s misbehaving, thus giving a reason to devalue my grandmother’s mother (i.e. his sister-in-law). And here is “extreme” becomes already child: he or she feels bad boy or girl. Especially if mom said something like, “useless daughter” or “Terrible son of mine.”

But the mother directly and not to swear, and begin to very much worry about what the child coughs, later returns home, not learning… well, no matter what it is – the main thing is to survive.

Mom’s anxiety, anger, fears are transmitted to the child. And since the child can not cope with such strong feelings, especially strangers, he begins to either behave in a special way, or get sick. Or do both together.

As a result, we got a little man who does not know how to regulate his excitement. Because, firstly, he does not understand where it comes from, and where it will ” fly “in the next moment. Secondly, he has no place to take a good example, to learn how a person normally contains and lives his feelings, how to build boundaries. In his experience any affect should be immediately “merged”by someone. And often this is done either through psychopathic behavior or through illness.

Sometimes such a person, already growing up, is able to communicate only through a bodily symptom. This is the only way for him to tell his family that something is happening to him, and he needs help. But often it is just habit to “merge” some of the excess excitation. Hey, Perls and his trash can. That’s how it turns out that relatives instead of a healthy exchange practice mutual use. Its main feature is surprise and unpredictability. No one knows at what point my mother will call or appear and yell (complain, somehow otherwise unsettled).

The effect of surprise breaks personal boundaries. There is a feeling as if a whirlwind flies at you and twists in an unexpected direction. Personally I in such situations cease to feel the body, the borders, I block breath. What I’ve done before is abruptly becoming unimportant and uninteresting. It’s like I’m in another person’s field. Check to see if you notice any such reactions?

But back to our hypothetical family. All it is trained to control other people’s sudden and unexpected approach. And at the same time begin to be closely interested in what each of the others in life is happening. For example, someone needs to know for sure if dad or husband is drunk to understand what awaits them in the near future. Or, for example, does not frustrate any plans due to the fact that the mother suddenly replay all.

Accordingly, a member of such a family system is always trying to influence another family member, from whom an unexpected affect can “fly”. To interfere in his life, to criticize interests, Hobbies, simply because the more predictable he behaves, the easier it is for others to live. That is, those who are relatively balanced develop the habit of controlling others instead of learning to regulate themselves and live according to their interests. And all this – just to avoid unexpected “arriving” affects.

It is clear that the husband in such a situation is most predictable, if you just lie on the couch. Better if it doesn’t work. But on the eyes of, without surprises.

And children better patients, but under the control and custody.

And wife better hurts all the time and all the time in the role of victim, but tries to regulate their lives and control those on her too much influence.

In such a family, the whole “win” gets the one who is now the worst. If you’re sick, they don’t touch you. Or, on the contrary, all come running and start dragging you to the hospital. And if you are healthy and in a good mood, then you urgently find yourself all have to. How can you rejoice and enjoy, if mom so bad, the garden is not planted, the cottage is not completed, the child has not learned the multiplication table (or arranged to Harvard). Business is no end. Not to happiness.

In principle, it is possible to live life. And not one – usually such scenarios exist for several generations. But fortunately, there are other – learning to track, containerevent and live out their passions and not taking it out on loved ones. Or learn to keep a distance in a relationship and strengthen their own boundaries – if you were on the other side of the barricades. However, if all family members will pay at least a little effort and attention to building a healthy relationship, and the barricades are not required. Absolutely.

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