Parents
In order to endure childish affection, which may seem clingy and annoying, as well as children's affects like outbursts of hatred for younger brothers and sisters, and children's whims, and…

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Beliefs that shape co-dependence
I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with "what you know...", "you're a baby, you warthog". I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed…

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10 myths about married life
The idea of this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, which led the Guru to work with families Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years…

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Loyalty to your family. How does it affect our lives?

Loyalty is one of the most powerful forces that affect a person’s personality and life. Any relationship is based on mutual loyalty of people to each other. To be accepted, “their”, need to confirm any community – I one of you, I as you, I look like. And what do we get in return and how do we pay for our loyalty?

The power of loyalty in the family
The strongest manifestation of loyalty can be seen in the family. It works like this: the child recognizes his parents. This primarily means that he is attached to them. Children identify themselves by their parent. The child grows up and tries to be like mom and dad. If you artificially remove one figure, it will be difficult for the child to recognize and accept himself.

The stronger the prohibition to show loyalty to parents, the stronger the internal need to do it. From the inability to love and be tied to a child can develop a borderline personality warehouse, there is self-destructive behavior, difficulties in close contact with people, difficulties in perceiving others and themselves holistic.

The balance of loyalty to father and mother
Much depends on the rules of the family, but the child’s love for the father and mother is distributed approximately equally. When mom and dad are together, he’s protected. When parents break up, for a child at any age, it is the collapse of integrity.

If parents do not have loyalty to each other, then the child does not understand what it should be. Parents who do not create a safe space within the family, but fight for the love of the child, pull him each to his side – deform loyalty. Son or daughter forced to choose, for whom they, with whom. Both are equally important: you can lose the love of your father by choosing a mother, and Vice versa. For a child, such a choice is not possible, it breaks the psyche.

Often clients tell that mother spoke: “You as the father”. Scolded and rejected the father, and in fact – part of the child. So the devaluation of the former spouse makes the child split, he learns to consider part of himself unworthy. In this situation, it is externally impossible to show loyalty to the father. And then the child unconsciously invents another way of expressing love for the rejected parent. For example, plays the habits of the father, chooses his profession, the disease of his kind. Can prevent yourself to take the love from the mother, to avoid her.

How to restore loyalty to your system?
Destroyed loyalty, fortunately, can be restored. It treats respect for the child’s parents, taking them. We must remember that parents gave the most valuable – life. This does not mean not to see their shortcomings, but to be grateful. Learn to see beyond their resentment of the living native person, of his dignity. And parents – to be grateful to each other for the child and learn to accept children as they are.

In this way, individual psychotherapy, especially family system arrangements, helps well. In the arrangement, we learn to understand parents through family history, see them as more real as people who loved us and each other but were immature. We become more Mature in the arrangement ourselves. There is a new look at past grievances, experiences, acquired ways to talk with loved ones about their pain so that they can hear, understand.

The natural flow of love returns psychological security, stability and we begin to live in full force. When children feel the love of their parents and respond to it, they have something to pass on – to descendants. This is how loyalty to the system is restored.

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