Beliefs that shape co-dependence
I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with “what you know…”, “you’re a baby, you warthog”. I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed of “I’m not as smart as they are.”
Having been born, the child has no idea who he is, and through communication with loved ones he develops an idea of himself. Surrounding are mirrors, in which children look at themselves with hand. From them they learn about themselves, based on their attitudes and words. And the image of yourself first built only from these assessments. And gradually the child begins to see himself as his close people see him, treats himself as they treat him. My initial self-esteem was built on devaluation, humiliation and toxic shame.
In our family, the manifestation of the Self by any member of the family was extremely undesirable and unbearable for everyone, because the words, thoughts, feelings, evoked reciprocal feelings: amazing, incomprehensible, sometimes unpleasant, and already forgotten by many, discarded for their uselessness (or pain).
And that had to be dealt with somehow. So it was easier to suppress any manifestation of the true Self.
The existence of sincere loving, warm, positive feelings in life was carefully concealed and even suppressed, “so as not to spoil.” The active expression of the true, uncovered, unkempt Self was not accepted in society, society. And my parent family tried to fulfill all the requirements, requirements, conditions of society.
Open honest presentation of myself, my Self, in my case, most often led to flogging, physical violence, humiliation of my body, my dignity…
However, flogging was not the most terrible punishment in a family, nothing went in comparison with insufficiency invisibly, on some very thin plan to feel mental emotional violence, humiliation, shame, guilt. It was the norm of the family to cynically ridicule something intimate, very personal, something in which a loved one feels vulnerable…
Remembered my first love…
My diary, in which I shared my first sprouts of love, was found by my mother, and everything was ridiculed cynically and rudely, with laughter and mockery. Then my life changed a lot. Everything turned upside down inside. I felt terrible humiliation, shame, devaluation of my first deep trembling and tender feelings. I wanted someone to share these first feelings with me, I wanted participation, understanding, respect for my feelings.
Instead, there was a feeling of crushing, resentment, rejection of my feelings, as if I was driven by a roller, as if I was stuck in a glass, it was very painful, and it is not clear how this pain, needles penetrating into different places to remove.
It was at this moment that a very important conviction for me and my life was formed: “you can not Trust anyone, even my mother.” The conviction with which I entered adulthood, a red thread permeating my life and played a significant role. With the distrust of the world, environment, people, everything that a number of people, situations, suggestions, thoughts.
Belief is what a person believes and accepts as truth. Every person in almost any area of life has certain beliefs that affect his behavior and life, whether he knows it or not.
Most of them are produced in early childhood through emotional memory recording. Some event that occurred in childhood caused a strong emotion in the child (certain words of parents, some act, prohibition, facial expressions, gesture, posture of another person, etc.), and the child remembers this as a state of “bad”, while experiencing a lot of feelings, it can be humiliation, resentment, fear, alienation, rejection.
The subconscious, recording this information, in the future will avoid repetition recorded “bad”. Then the adult subconscious will continue to protect from the state of “bad”.
How often the manifestation of almost any ordinary human feelings (anger, sadness, joy, resentment, and the like) twitches message, action, facial expressions, gestures, imprinted in the subconscious of people for many years.
As a child, trusting and “dependent on loved ones”, in the sense of the impossibility of self-satisfaction due to the child’s age of their primary needs for safety, food, children without digestion and understanding “eat”, taking for their many beliefs significant adults (mom, dad, brother), for example:
You can not be angry, it’s not good…, you can not have Fun, you will cry…. It is impossible to be allocated, it is a shame! You stick your head out, they’ll be jealous, you’ll get sick … it’s not safe! Be like everyone else… To be loved, you have to be what others want me to be.
It is in childhood thanks to these messages, beliefs, often disappears the desire to be yourself, to show your true self
How often in a tough brooked no argument broadcasts mom “ashamed and insecure to love” sounds like the subtext is “and feel.” Ban on love, on feelings.
And at some point, children begin to believe that love is shameful and unsafe, stop loving.. Love…controlling and caring for loved ones. And at the same time, we are sure that their relatives will love them, fully meeting their expectations and needs.
They freeze most of their feelings, that anything I can say about them is True, especially good frozen anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness. Afraid to hear the words again, humiliating, devaluing and shaming them.
Relationships that involve feelings of shame, guilt, or condemnation are ultimately destructive, traumatic, and not conducive to emotional or spiritual growth. To recognize and conditionally love, people require that others are not what they are. Conditional love, which should be earned, is useless, it is not real love.
People brought up in the rules of conditional love – people of function, as a rule, in adult life stand out for their understanding, forgiveness, they all help, do not ask for anything for themselves. People are remaining children, the shadow people. They always unconsciously remember that little child who could not cope, could not defend his I, my rights to feelings, to my opinion, to my dignity and the right to be myself!
Fear, shame, resentment, guilt is an instrument of manipulation of such people by other people. Many people aspire to power and control, to a high position for the sake of controlling other people, they try to control the deepest suppressed feelings of people, most of which are hidden from consciousness.
As long as a person allows fear to control him, manipulative people will use scare tactics to control the mental perception of fear in order to keep a person in slavery. That is why it is important to bring repressed feelings to the surface and find their source, to observe thoughts and behavior, because what you fear most is hidden and suppressed. What is hidden and suppressed can control people unconsciously.
Now I know that the reason for what happened to me as a child, were codependent relationships in the family.
After all, when someone tries to solve their problems with someone else’s hands, disposes of someone else’s resources, experiences someone else’s feelings, lives someone else’s life, indicates to another what he or she needs to live, puts labels and characteristics – this is all a manifestation of codependence.
Especially if it is done through an attempt to force the other to do what you want and need someone else, even a loved one, indirectly affecting his feelings. Most often crying out for shame, fear, guilt, pity. Not through direct contact, a direct request for help with the message of their desires and feelings. And through manipulation. After all, a direct request implies that the other person has the right to refuse the request.
For myself, I found a way out of codependence, taking responsibility for my life. After years of therapy, I have assumed the legal right to do what I want or think is necessary, or not to do. I choose on a case-by-case basis what to do. I have appropriated the right to my own life, in which I, and only I, choose what I do in this or that case.
Now I clearly understand, that applies to my life, and that to someone else’s, and where pass my borders and borders another. And now I satisfy my own needs, live my life, feel, experience, solve problems. If I can’t manage myself, I can ask for help, but I will survive and I will not crumble if one person refuses me, I will ask then in other place. The universe is abundant.
And I gave to others, my family and friends, strangers, the responsibility for their lives. Now I don’t have to do anything for them that I don’t want to do out of my will, out of my will and conviction.
If I am asked, then I listen to myself and choose, I want to help another, whether I can really help him, or now my values, desires, tasks are in priority. And if I say no, I don’t feel guilty. Because I’m me and he’s him. And we all have our own lives. And I am fully responsible only for my life. And he can handle his life on his own, or he can’t, but it’s not my fault.
And if I want and I can help, I will help with pleasure and from the heart. And this is the best help than the help of the violence against them.