Parents, don’t teach us to live!
The question came: “How to make it clear to her husband’s parents that the son has grown up, married and he has his own family! it is not necessary for him now to decide to go to the other (not saying someone else, but simply another family) family and it is not necessary to impose the son of their point of view?”.
The question, as you know, from a woman. Women are usually more sensitive in such matters – they understand better that the interventions described above rarely lead to anything good, and therefore try to minimize them somehow.
Well, I’ll try to answer.
Breaks in half
Let’s start with a short theory – parents naturally strive to improve the lives of their children, this is normal and in some sense inevitable. Parents often intervene for the best of intentions. And if parents see that the marriage of their son (daughter) is not very successful (in their opinion), they tend to intervene.
In some cases, such intervention may be reasonable and useful (for example, if there is physical violence), but much more often the intervention of parents spoils everything.
It happens like this. Parents intervene and put their child (for example, a son) before a difficult choice – he or her parents or his wife. If he chooses a wife, it turns out, goes against the parents. But if chooses the parents, it goes against the wife.
In the first case, the man is a bad son, in the second – destroys his marriage.
Women, of course, all the same. She’s either a bad daughter or she’s ruining her marriage. Almost literally splits in half.
Getting into this fork introduces a person of any gender into a state of chronic stress. And then, as a consequence, diseases, quarrels, alcohol, infidelity.
And I have only walked on tops. There are also deeper things – for example, if parents interfere in the marriage of their son, they give him to understand that he was still a little silly. And this, of course, not everyone is pleased. Still – such a blow to the picture of the world!
Therefore, there is a clear rule – do not meddle in the lives of their children. Let them understand themselves – not small already. Yes, perhaps this marriage will end badly and be destroyed by both partners. Well, it’s experience, their experience. Perhaps they need it for some reason.
The most a parent can do is give advice if asked. If, again, asked.
Back to back
Now about the position of spouses in a situation of pressure from parents. Here everything is simple, though not easy. The basic principle is that everyone protects their marriage from their parents.
That is, a man says to his parents, they say, dear parents, thank you for your attention, but we are adults, we will somehow understand.
And the woman said to his parents, he says, dear mom and dad, we’ll figure all that out, stay out, please.
Like I said, it’s simple, but it’s not easy. To say what I wrote is to act like a bad child. And few people like to be a bad son or a bad daughter. And again the person gets into that trap about which I already wrote above. Either you’re a bad kid, or you’re ruining your marriage (or – third option – destroying your health).
What about it?
You’re not bad – you’re an adult
The way out is to understand (and accept with all your heart) a simple thesis – protecting your boundaries even in front of a parent does not make a child bad.
It is deeply normal for a child to protect his or her boundaries – it should be so.
In a nutshell. Borders are the edges of human territory (as well as the state). The territory of man is the totality of his phenomena, from mental to territorial. For example, a child’s room is his territory. A child’s friends are his territory. The child’s appearance is his territory. A child’s marriage is his territory.
Bad kid becomes when he gets up on the territory of the parent. Like when he’s insulting him. And if a child simply defends his boundaries, he does not become bad. He’s becoming an adult.
The essence and tragedy of parenthood is just that every day more and more retreat from the territory of the child – in infancy, the parent is simply obliged to decide for the child when, for example, to sleep. But the older the child, the more he decides for himself, the less parent on his territory.
Therefore, if the son tells his parents, they say, do not climb – my wife and I will figure it out, he just shows his parents that he has become an adult. You could say it reminds me.
By the way, often parents “climb into the relationship” only because they need to be needed. If you ask them for advice more often, say, about the house, they will advise you less on the relationship. Tested repeatedly.
So my answer to the reader’s question will be this. Parents husband you do not need to explain – you need to explain to my husband that he will not be bad, if we denote the parents in some aspects of his life they do not have to get involved. And then the husband will explain to his parents that he loves them, appreciates their efforts and asks not to meddle in your marriage. And ask for advice, for example, on how best to glue the Wallpaper.