In order to endure childish affection, which may seem clingy and annoying, as well as children’s affects like outbursts of hatred for younger brothers and sisters, and children’s whims, and discontent about a variety of inconveniences, and even more so attacks of anger towards yourself (parent), about prohibitions and other unpopular decisions, you need to have a pretty impressive container.
That is, you need a mental space with which you could endure, withstand these direct, associated with the natural development of the child, experiences.
Endure them without self-destruction (suffering what you can not tolerate) or the destruction of the child (prohibiting his experiences, and suppressing it).
However, if you do not have the experience of careful handling of your children’s processes, that is, when you were a child, you could not stand your feelings and affection, then most likely, your mental container is full of your own not expressed feelings, and those feelings that your teachers put in you – for example, shame and guilt for their badness.
In this case you have very little – even not skill, and mental space withstand feelings child, Yes and their, too,.
Many parents try to cope with this, increasing their patience, that is, without freeing the container, reduce the “resistance of the material”.
Endure, endure, suppressing his irritation, impatience, rejection, but not to show.
Realizing that we need a new, not what they themselves had experienced, the style of parenting, they are, nevertheless, trying to solve the problem at the expense of their frail resources (and there are now very a lot!), generally refuse to have children.
However, simple logic suggests that changing the resistance of the material is many times more difficult than clearing the container for new emotional content.
Here it is also worth bearing in mind that from the container, as from the Pandora’s box, at the most inopportune moment, no matter how patient, “undesirable” feelings are pulled out – irritation, impatience and rejection, and also, from it, a part of the parent’s childhood is projected onto the child.
For example, it can project that part of you that your parent did not accept for one reason or another…. Something was waiting, and did not wait, disappointed and pulled away. Therefore, you in your child may as well as your parent, irritate attachment, “stickiness”, “not adulthood.” You can demand from him what is demanded from you: for example, he “needs” you will be missing self esteem, or “should not” to show fatigue, frustration and dissatisfaction.
Or you can project on him that part of you that needed love and care, and was wounded by excessive rigor, exorbitant demands.
And then you will make the child a “happy” version of yourself, forgetting about their healthy boundaries, and not giving importance to instill in him a healthy responsibility.
Sometimes in one family can grow up “unhappy” version of the parent – the eldest, for example, a child, and “happy” – younger.
Not meaningful, not lived until the end of children’s experience of the parent will affect, one way or another, despite all attempts to increase their patience and increase their knowledge.
Therefore, the most effective is to work temporarily as a sewage disposal, to clean up emotional blockages in your mental space, that is, no matter how banal it is, to heal yourself first.
In the cleared container it is possible to place, without special work – both whims, and anger, and needs of the child, without being burdened by its attachment, and, on the contrary, receiving the parental pleasure, promoting formation of new “I”.