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“My husband doesn’t want me”

A topic that is not customary to talk about. A topic that causes women a lot of shame and guilt. The theme, which, though not so noticeable as to bodily anxiety, make good money, those who know how this is not an isolated phenomenon.

Meanwhile, Google can easily tell us that sexless marriage (lack of sex in marriage) is one of the most popular women’s requests, and men, blackmailing and silently refusing their wives in sex, much more common phenomenon than many who grew up on jokes about the ever-sick head of his wife, it seems.

In the Patriarchal cultural paradigm, the refusal of a man, especially a permanent partner, creates serious pressure on a woman, generating an avalanche of shame and anxiety under the General title “what is wrong with me so much that a man refuses sex”. The woman in this situation often have to bear the burden of “fault” – you have to be sexier, more beautiful, more interesting, more proactive, more mysterious and other slogans spooky psychobabble of training such as “fundamentals of respiratory dearest”, cleverly parasitic on such anxieties.

Sex in the mass consciousness today is equated to the quality of relations (and sometimes almost to their only meaning), and as the stereotype says – work on relations and their quality is an exclusively female task, the task is not only to predict the “weather in the house”, but also to actively breed “clouds with your hands”.

And no matter how much we say that we do not control other people’s feelings, do not control other people’s emotions and do not own someone else’s desire – I really want to find a recipe, solve the problem, read the article “5 reasons why he does not want sex” and find at the end of such an article universal advice.

Demand creates supply. You will find many books in many different languages, short notes-tips, articles in glossy magazines and monumental conceptual approaches, settled at different ends of the spectrum – from increasing the degree of freedom of each partner in the style of Esther Perel and her book “Reproduction in captivity” to John Gottman and his book “Science of trust”, in which he, on the contrary, says that the problem is not in the distance and mystery, but in the absence of true intimacy.

All that unites all these concepts and at the same time puts a vague feeling of longing in the heart, that somehow you have to do something in contrast to the still too vivid memories, when his eyes were burning and he could not wait a minute to be alone with you. You could not get out of bed for hours and it seemed that it will always be…

This is reminiscent of the longing for youth, when many things were so easy and spontaneous – not to sleep the night after spending it at the disco and not to fall asleep after that at the lecture, eat fast food and not suffer from heartburn. Youth, in which you do not buy tons of literature about the ratio of proteins to fats and carbohydrates in a single taken broccoli to overcome the damned gastritis. Not you cared about health, and health cared about you.

And with the beginning of the relationship – not you break your head how to carve a spark of desire, and desire gives you fire. If we take this situation as a standard, then subsequent comparisons with it will always lead to discouragement. But you can, for example, treat an acute desire as a lottery – it’s cool to win a couple of thousand, but do not plan your monthly budget in the hope of subsequent winnings.

Yes, of course, the acceptance of changing reality is not something easy. The search for the causes of the other’s reluctance is also hope. In some ways, it’s like dieting, finding that miracle cure that will bring back the body that was with us at the high school prom – finding passion when we lived from date to date. We hope that everything can be returned, the main thing to know the diagnosis and  subsequent winnings.

Indeed, you will find many answers to the “why”, reading the literature on the question of the extinct desires of the partner, for example:
Other ways;
Stress;
It’s a kind of emotional blackmail.;
Hormonal change;
Problems in a relationship in a couple;
“The complex of the Madonna and the whore” and other psychological difficulties;
Alcohol and/or substance abuse;
A complicated relationship with your sexuality.
And the list is long, very long…

Meanwhile, in this long list you will hardly find the item “sometimes it happens”. It is not that the approximate list of reasons listed above is fiction, of course not – each of them really happens (or several) and has its own decisions depending on the situation and the desire of the person to solve them.

But sometimes the truth is that the desire just passes, as a hobby for some business or as an interest in the song, which played a couple of months on the repit. The tragedy begins where it goes unsynchronized, remaining only with one of the partners, tormenting him with a sense of rejection and uselessness. Can cool down and a woman can both cool and at the same time, remaining in close confidential relations, but when it cools down a man, the woman not just about it though with someone to talk to – too strong the stereotype of “men always want, and if not, that is something you are soooooo very wrong doing.” Complicate the task of an honest dialogue with yourself can be the fact that the partner shows all the other shades of feelings – care, love, a wonderful father and best friend, anything but a passionate lover.

There is still an interesting nuance in this problem, when the sexual desire on the part of men does not pass completely, but the frequency of sex is markedly reduced. This after all, too, one of the most frequent questions “how many times normally” (up on the – “with us all normally?”) At the same time, there is no such thing as “normal frequency of sexual life”, there is no it, no matter how many discussions there are on this matter, no matter how many times experts comment about 2-3 times a week at the age of 30+ – this is nothing more than a private opinion that does not have any scientific justification. The focus is in the very nature of sex as a biological need.

We can talk about the approximate rate of calorie intake, because otherwise our body will die and hunger, as a biological need persistently knocks on our brain to prevent this probability. We can talk about normal ambient temperature because otherwise we will die from hypothermia or overheating and the feelings of heat/cold are also persistently knocking on our brain to prevent it. We want to drink because otherwise we will die, we want to breathe because otherwise we will die. And that is why these processes have at least ranges of norm. But none of us will die without sex. And especially without sex with this particular person, even if at some point it is experienced that way. Around sexual attraction so much passion, so many dramatic scenes “love-blood-death”, so many cultural layers of different eras that we lose sight of this important point – sexual desire is at its core other biological needs. Other needs are present with us from birth to death: if we do not talk about very serious diseases, it is unlikely that we have a question how to regain a sense of hunger or thirst.

From this, by the way, as beautifully written in Emily Nagowski’s book “How a woman wants”, follows an important fact – there is no excuse for violence. We’ll be sorry for the man who stole the bread in the supermarket because he’s hungry and there’s no money, but with the man who raped the woman because he hasn’t had sex in a long time, that’s a different story. Hunger directly threatens the lives of unfulfilled sexual desire, to question personal abilities containerbase frustrations. And to this ability civilized society always looks very carefully – because without the skill of inhibition there is no civilization.

In fact, whatever the reason (even the lack of this very reason) is an important component of reducing anxiety and feelings, in my opinion, in the possibility of a constructive dialogue with a partner. The ability to talk to him without fear on any topic. The feeling that you hear and understand, accept and respect. In the opportunity to say, “I feel bad and hurt that we almost do not have sex” and to hear in response, for example: “I do not know what is with me, just know that I love you, let’s think together what we do with it.” But if this dialogue is not possible, the question is not about sex… sorry.

As for the external pressure “a man should always want you” it’s all from the series of all the other stories of the endless series “What a woman should do”, that is a question only of her immunity to stereotypes.

Not the very absence of sex gives a sense of guilt, anxiety and humiliation, but how, sometimes, this situation is furnished – both within the couple and in the soul of the woman herself. Not the absence of sex hurts self-esteem, but a strong connection of this self-esteem with other people’s desires. Desires that even the person does not know where they come from and where they go. As the anonymous author quotes: “Baby, love yourself like you’re not waiting for someone else to do it” – “Baby, love yourself as if you don’t expect this love from anyone else.”

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