10 myths about married life
The idea of this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, which led the Guru to work with families Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years…

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10 myths about married life
The idea of this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, which led the Guru to work with families Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years…

Continue reading →

Sacred marriage or why do we need a Sacred marriage or why do we need a family??
"Marriage is not a good thing to call" – says the famous aphorism. And about the destruction of the institution of modern marriage, and about the statistics of divorce, and…

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Marriage of convenience: the truth about a relationship without feelings

Is there any sense in a marriage of convenience in contemporary reality? On this topic argues Gestalt therapist Andrew Yudin.

There is such an interesting phenomenon in psychology: human stereotypes sometimes survive for centuries those epochs in which they were born and for which they were relevant. A typical example of such a tenacious meme is the common myth that marriages “by calculation” are stronger, and people are happier in them than in marriages “by love”.

In the history of mankind, including our country, there were really quite long periods when the sale of oneself into marriage slavery was the only available social Elevator for young people and their families, and for someone it was simply a forced way of survival. In such a social situation, the exchange of a hungry misfortune for a well-fed, warm misfortune, and even fixed by a religious and Patriarchal culture, seemed to many the best and very adequate choice, giving no reason to regret in old age. But when people ignore the modern context and try to act according to medieval rules, real life dramas are played out.

The inhabitants of more or less civilized secular countries, in fact, there is no reasonable reason to seriously consider marriages of convenience (unique personal circumstances do not count – for the overall picture they are not essential).

First, the economic situation has long forced no one to absolutely desperate steps: almost any able-bodied person can secure some kind of roof over his head and a minimum wage.

Secondly, except in rare cases, such a marriage does not provide any social guarantees, for which it would be worthwhile to tolerate for years a number of unloved person: divorce is quite simple, and to receive such property compensation, which would justify the experienced betrayal, it is possible to very few.

Third, in an era of winning feminism and more or less equal opportunities, it is quite easy for people to find a partner in their circle and social status. Obviously asymmetric relations, in which one of the partners in the case of separation will automatically be forced to fall to several floors of the social ladder, are increasingly becoming the lot of personalities infantile or even psychologically unhealthy, and on both sides. In psychology, such a model of human-to-human relations, built on the use, for example, as a sexual object or source of enrichment, called the model of “I-it”, which in itself says a lot.

With such a more or less careful consideration of the issue, it becomes obvious that the so-called “marriage of convenience” is no longer a strategically verified way of wholesale solution of life problems, but an extremely dubious experiment with a poorly predictable ending – about how to get a seller of dolls at the Kremlin walls in the hope of eventually taking the post of President of Russia.

But, in fairness, there is a “calculating” approach to marriage and one undeniable plus. It often prevents people from rushing into marriage too quickly and taking advantage of the intense neurotic infatuations and emotional dependence that people often mistake for love. If a person has successfully passed the “dangerous” stages without falling into numerous typical traps, it is quite likely that he will be able to marry already and to calm Mature love, and to realistic planning of his life. And at this level of development, when the blood does not play youthful hormones, and the head is not clogged with naive fantasies about life for free, the difference between marriage “for love” and marriage “for calculation” is gradually erased, and in their place there is exactly one realistic option – marriage for a single and irresistible call of the soul. He’s a happy marriage.

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