Adoption of parents. Stages of living
Acceptance is letting go of a situation, completing the process of grieving for the loss of something important to us. Loss of illusions, that will as we want, not so as there is. Acceptance is the final stage in completing and living a difficult situation, it is the stage of assimilation and “closing the Gestalt”. This is when we agree with what is already there, and there is no desire to redo and change it, it is a reality that simply is and can (should) be based on it.
Across from me sits a client, she is in a “normal” relationship with her parents and everything is fine. “I took them,” she says. That’s just depression, which is already frequented to be chronic, and ruin everything. What a temptation to immediately “let go” without entering the process of grief and not living. How sometimes we deceive ourselves, seeing ourselves at the finish line, not going far from the start. Unfortunately, this is only the appearance of Acceptance.
At some point of life, anyway life confronts you with circumstances that “forced” to look at the past, in-progress, in negated and forgotten.
Within it lives the kind mother, which criticized, not took, loved another girl, not real daughter. Inside resentment and pain. How can you accept such a mother? With the outside you can not communicate, but what to do with the one that lives inside?
When there is an illusion of Acceptance, resentment is not reset, but presented with renewed vigor.
Mom still lives in me and she’s a part of me. I can’t fool myself, and I can’t do anything about it, I can’t rewrite my life history again, I can’t make a deal with myself, I can’t change the past, just accept the mom that I have, because there won’t be another. Because my mother was my mom and she formed her injuries. And this is an internal work.
First, the denial stage, where the thought that something might be wrong is not allowed at all, events are poorly remembered, and clients say, “What kind of parents? Normal, like everyone else, nothing special…” or “mom and dad? – they’re fine and you don’t have to ask about them.”
Stage of anger, resentment, rage, and anger at the parents. The process starts when there is at least a minimum separation from the parent figures, already overcome the ban on “angry at mom can not” and all that sort of.
– “How I could so to use, not to love, or love not because I had to.”
– How could you do this to me!”
And here you can and should be angry. To be furious, to cry, to Express dissatisfaction. It is better if this process takes place in the therapist’s office, and not in direct terms to parents. And this stage is important to live, freeing suppressed emotions.
When there is no strength to be angry and despair is felt, we live through a stage of sadness or depression, when tears no longer bring relief. There is a fear to plunge into depression and not get out of it. The most difficult stage of living from where you want to wriggle out, run away, don’t go into the pain, not to live it. This is a symbolic death, after which comes a revival. Often at this stage we stop and do not live it to the end, because of the fear of dying, not to cope with his depression, running away from it with the help of various doping. Our world is so fast that would be sad, grieve and grieve, just no time. You need to “live”, move, earn money, be positive – that’s it and does not complete the process of grief, turning it into a chronic repetition.
Stage of adoption, as I want to move here, and do not wander into the forests of his unconscious. Here the feeling of inner support returns, strength returns. You can look at the past experience objectively. See losses and gains. Not exactly so, – see also losses, and even purchase resources. Acceptance allows us to accept reality as it is, rather than feel frustrated that it does not meet our expectations. To take is possible only after years of anger, despair, helplessness and emptiness, pain, sorrow and sadness when you mourn the consequences of being abandoned, of being rejected, of ispolzovano, nedolyublennosti of neojidannost and all other nedostatochnosty.
When there is still a strong emotional charge of resentment, anger, claims inside, there is resistance to see another part of the truth. Adoption gives you the opportunity to see the truth about my parents and about themselves objectively.
My mother did not support me, I learned to support myself, to ask for support.
Mom rejected, but I accept myself and there are those who accept me.
When the focus is only on the deficit, then there is no support, no resource, and there is nothing to rely on to get it in the World. After all, when we see only what we have not been given, we are doomed to a permanent deficit. And in it there is no soil under feet, it is a constant abyss. So I shut off the energy coming from the parents. And I slide into a pit of scarcity and scarcity.
Here it is important to see that we have taken with us in our lives what resources are available, and they definitely are. We learn a lot in our family systems, from our parents and ancestors. It’s important to see what I have now from mom and dad. That it was through them that I received the gift of life. What else do I do like them? What qualities did I take from them? What have I become because of or in spite of them? And this is the point of support and the point from which you can move into the World and get what is missing.
Own energy ceases to merge into the past, in the showdown, in resentment, in the expectation that parents change and redirected to the future, in their own lives. And what will it be this life is our responsibility.
I for that on a result to leave mother and father alone and to live the life, and whenever possible at qualitatively new level. Understanding and accommodation of the fact that the other is not. There is no other reality than the one we have now. Adoption of parents is a process, as well as life itself, consisting of many different situations, each of which manifests itself in the actual time for it. Each of which is important to live, accept, understand, appropriate and understand something about yourself. For this we have a whole life…