In order to endure childish affection, which may seem clingy and annoying, as well as children's affects like outbursts of hatred for younger brothers and sisters, and children's whims, and…

Continue reading →

Do not want or can not: why do adult children stay with their parents?
We often see the codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second instead of personal life…

Continue reading →

Psychologist in the divorce. About what?
My colleague and I once talked about values. And I enthusiastically said this phrase: "Here, for example, family is a great value for me. That's why I got divorced." He…

Continue reading →

Typology of family crises

The prenuptial period of the relationship is extremely important for their subsequent stability. The most important condition is the presence of a period of love, with all his characteristic uncritical idealization of the partner, passion and mutual attraction. Memories of this period become a kind of anchor holding the ship of the couple during the storm. However, those couples who entered into a relationship rapidly (less than three to six months), having slipped through the phase of orientation in each other, are more likely to be then disappointed. The same couples who for various reasons (most often because of the weakness of passion or because of counter-dependent scenarios) were kept from marriage for more than three years, will later also be unstable. The experience of premarital relationships, including sexual ones, also carries a predominantly positive load, as it allows you to better understand and explore the nature of your own sexuality, preferences and limitations, to reveal your sexual opportunities with different partners, which further contributes to the Mature idealization of the partner that underlies long-term love relationships (in contrast to the non-critical, not passed the antitrust test of the idealization of the period of love). Marriage rituals, such as courtship and wedding, the notorious and discounted counter-dependent partners stamp in the passport, carry an additional symbolic load, being additional stabilizing objects. They act as limiters of inevitable centrifugal tendencies.
First year crisis
This period is characterized by the beginning of the joint residence of the spouses. The passionate component of attraction weakens (due to the fact that the partner living together, begins to be perceived as a blood relative and the instinctive ban on incest is triggered). Interestingly, the mediator system responsible for the gentle reactions in the relationship (the attachment system by Pankseepp), associated with oxytocin, is in a reciprocal relationship with the system of sexual aggression (erosion), play and passion associated with testosterone. Therefore, the reciprocal braking works – “the more proximity, the less passion.”

Also in this period begins distribution of roles in family and are manifest conflicts, associated with struggle for power and dominance. In dysfunctional families, prohibitions on conflict as such prevail, differences are suppressed, and partners prefer to tolerate each other instead of cooperation and constructive conflict resolution. For dysfunctional families characterized by a constant struggle for power, the predominance of female domination, a kind of “psychological castration” of men with devaluation and reduction of their status. Hatred in close relationships can not be expressed directly, but is manifested in indirect forms-in boredom, alienation, loss of interest.

In a dysfunctional marriage, partners often make unrealistic vows of loyalty, built on the myth of “eternal love”, which does not allow the presence of feelings for someone other than the monopolist partner. Such vows, especially in people with rigid control of their own impulses, prevent the development of Mature love on the basis of love.

In the later Soviet period and in the early nineties, the traditional Russian family, due to the acute and unresolved housing problem since Bulgakov’s times, faced with the difficulty of separating the young family and was forced to multi-generational. In the constrained spot formed chronic conflicts with canned symbiotic forms of hatred.

Since the end of the first decade of the two thousandth, thanks to the development of mortgage and ready housing market and the relative stability of income, this problem has become less urgent. Nevertheless, in the first year of marriage, the couple faces the task of separating their own family from the intervention of parental figures, which, like strong magnets, contribute to the formation of pathological coalitions “mother-daughter”, “mother-son”, which can strengthen the conflict dynamics in the couple.

Another important task of the crisis of the first year is the formation of a unique way for the couple to resolve conflicts and contradictions in the pair, involving the possibility of expressing aggression to eliminate unwanted tensions in the pair.

The crisis of the third year
As a rule, it is associated with the birth of a child and the unwillingness of young family members to accept the parental function, unconscious rivalry with the child for the attention of a caring spouse, a decrease in sexual activity during pregnancy and after childbirth. During this period, marriage often becomes sharply complimentary, the man falls more responsibilities for the material support of the family, while the woman often begins to suffer from a lack of free time, personal attention and communication.

Quite often, the spouses at this stage polarized expectations from each other. The wife, meeting her husband after a day spent alone with the child, eager to talk about the problems and hear the news of the spouse, the husband on the contrary, very willing to forget and disconnect from communication. Sometimes the inability to understand and accept the features of such complementarity lead to acute emotional conflicts.

Crisis of the seventh year
conditionally connected with the first thorough audit of the success of the family project. Spouses subconsciously compare actual family relations with the ideal model of family relations. They already have some experience, although still quite young, and are ready to start a new possible family cycle. If by this time there was no strengthening of centripetal forces, and on the contrary the centrifugal pressure increased, then the attempt to compare the partner is realized by adultery. Men are more likely to change due to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage, the presence of accumulated sexual boredom, in search of new sensations, or wanting recognition, and not getting it in his pair. Women are more likely to change under the influence of emotional neglect on the part of the spouse, his lack of interest in the emotional side of his wife’s life. Due to the fact that the sexual arousal of a woman has a reactive nature, the attraction is redirected to those men who are able to pay attention to them. In the conditions of love, a man instinctively devotes his attention to the object of his choice, under the influence of idealization and desire. Therefore, the ability of partners to fall in love again is required to successfully overcome this crisis.

During this period, the eldest child in the family usually becomes more independent of the parent couple and ceases to play the role of a stabilizing object and act as the centripetal force of the Union.

Datacenterblade families experiencing the challenge of having to recreate a new sense of intimacy. An important role in assessing the success of a family project is satisfaction with the quality of parent-child relationships, the ability to enjoy the relationship with their own child.

If the father finds himself on the periphery of the family, isolated or pushed out by the pathological coalition of the child and the mother, the degree of his alienation from the family increases during this period. The appearance of a second child can change this situation, but with such an exit, the risk of creating a new pathological coalition is likely. According to the logic of the structural approach of El Salvador Minukhin, the hierarchy of orders in the family system must be respected, and the parent couple exercises its power from the “height of its floor.” Pathological coalitions of the child (children) with one parent against the other deprive the power of the parent couple and contribute to the maintenance of dysfunction. Thus, the unresolved problems of the crisis of three years predetermine the course of the crisis of seven years. Sometimes it ends with the death of a married couple (divorce), or a frozen interpersonal conflict accompanied by alienation and detachment of the spouses in the apparent absence of disagreements (“pseudo-reciprocity”). The way out of such a crisis can be a new “family contract”, discussion and formulation of new family goals, new tasks of the marital Union.

Crisis fourteen years
Often the same as the existential crises of the age of the spouses. Here is the second revision of the family project, but not as a comparison of the real and ideal model of the family, and through the prism of existential issues. Children teenagers enter the phase of teenage grouping, trying to separate by erecting on a pedestal idols of their own generation (usually this role is played by boys and girls 5-7 years older), and overthrow parents in an attempt to gain their own values and defend their own identity. According to E. Jacobson (1964), the formation of identity goes by asserting itself, opposition and competition. Parents deal with the opposition of their own morality and the morality of the entire teenage group, the values of the separation subculture. If the belief system of parents is inflexible, morality rigid, the conflicts of separation in the family become more vivid, revealing the previously laid foundations of family dysfunction (pathological coalitions, inverted hierarchies, pathological types of education). It also reinforces the centrifugal forces of marriage and exacerbates existential issues – the lack of the ultimate meaning of being, the finiteness of existence and loneliness. If at the previous stage the foundations of the process of alienation were laid, here it is unfolding in full. As a rule, the centripetal force of this stage is the attachment of the spouses and the field of the common past. And the beginning of a new family cycle at this age often scares spouses with new challenges and the risk of breaking with their own personal past. This General, divided intersubjective experience of life, combined with psychospiritual inertia, naturally increases with age, inhibits centrifugal impulses from immediate realization. In this regard, boredom and alienation in dysfunctional families is even greater and the consequences of an existential crisis manifested in indirect forms (mood disorders, psychosomatics).

What is the crisis of marriage institution and what it eats
Tons of classical literature and kilometers of film melodramatic films created the illusion of great and pure love, which certainly ends in marriage and further "they lived happily ever after."…


Home comfort – it's not scrubbed floors, and scrubbed from the beliefs of the head
Such words I heard from my husband, in response to accusations that he does not appreciate my efforts to maintain the household. It was at the very beginning of our…


Formula of love for prisoners of marriage
Have you ever thought about the beautiful phrase" Marriages are made in heaven", the key word "are made"? "Prisoner – a person who is in the place of detention, in…


How to separate from my parents or why I don't live the way I want
Emotional separation from parents sometimes requires serious work on themselves in adulthood. About why it is important to separate from parents, what to do with guilt and how to find…