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Beliefs that shape co-dependence
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Dreams of a “normal family”. Two sides of the same model

Where do they come from these dreams of an ideal family? From childhood? But not the fact that you would like to live the way your parents lived. Probably the opposite. So how do you know what a family should look like? Your family?

Family is where you feel good. Where all your needs are met. It is a Paradise on earth.

Each of us had a heavenly time. That’s when we were little. Also there were big, adult people who for us solved everything and dealt with all our problems. If they were more or less good parents, then we had enough security and freedom.

One of the women’s dreams of an ideal family is the hope that my husband will replace my mom and dad.

What is it I can be like a stone wall, protected as a child from all the problems of the big world. I’ll be nice in return. Good, but not at all capricious. I will do what I like, but “on time to do my homework”, I will cook and clean the apartment, I will watch and take care of the children. If I decide to work, it will be rather my “hobby”, and with this money, I will be able to buy myself “ice cream”, but this is definitely not the money that you can buy clothes or eat for a month. And “up there” will be a big and grown man who will take all the important decisions, take care of me, my life and our children. And if in my childhood it was my father and mother, now there will be a husband.

So, in this version:

The husband is a father figure. A wife is a child who is loved and cared for.

A woman dreams of getting married, to live as she lived in her parents ‘ house. The husband became her parents “mom and dad” who cared for her, loved her, which was decided and carried the lion’s share of responsibility for her life.

In fact, creating a family, a woman wants to repeat his childhood, infantile happiness in the parental home, but only in its improved ideal version.

“Being married” is “living like Christ in the bosom.”

The husband appears to be a father figure – a caring parent for a little girl. Which can act up if you work, spend money only on himself; can “swing right”, but should be always be unconditionally accepted and loved.

In fact, as in the parent family, this model implies accountability, control by the “parents” (and now the husband), restriction of freedom. Parents are responsible for their children, they also control them, they also say what to do, make basic decisions. They say how to dress, how to behave, what to eat, what to do. Each family has its own level of control and pressure.

But in the “father-daughter” model, the daughter a priori has much less freedom, and she is obliged to “pay” for love, care and her provision. “As long as you live in my house and at my expense, you will do what I say.”The price is different.

If the price is right, then couples are quite satisfied with this family model.

But it so happens that everything would be good, and it would come a long-awaited happiness, if your husband would not dream… about my mother. not a little girl-Princess (she may well be a daughter), and the mother in your face.

In this embodiment

The wife is a mother figure. Husband – a favorite, adored son.

In the dreams of a man – a woman will be an ideal, caring mother for him. She’ll take the money from somewhere. The house will always be clean, warm and ready. “Mother” is invisible all the time. She will take care of everything and control everything. It is she who will know everything about his health, remember the date of the doctor’s visit, medication schedules and ensure proper nutrition. If there are children, then all “kindergartens-clubs-schools-lessons-parent meetings-doctors” she will take over. It will be a measure of insight into its Affairs, maintain its growth, but to give complete freedom.

This in dreams. And in fact – if a woman takes care of everything, including the provision of the family, she strictly controls the performance of duties of all family members. The “freedom” of the husband as well as the children is clearly regulated. Even if the “mother woman” is not the main breadwinner in the family, in this model she is “law and order”.

These two models from the same Opera are about our hopes for Paradise on earth, for a warm, caring home, for a “quiet haven”, for unconditional acceptance. The fact that whatever you are, whatever you do – you will be accepted and you will always be taken care of. You can get sick, can not work, to be years in search of himself, unable to drink, unable to be depressed about you will still care, you will have to endure and best of tenderly and dearly love), you will take any and any. The dream of a perfect father’s house. About unconditional love.

It so happens that in a pair of both people with infantile claims to each other are two children who need a strong, adult second. Hungry boy and girl look at each other angrily.

Neither of them can satisfy the hunger of the other:

– I’m looking for a man to take care of me. Support me and our children. One I could lean on and trust him with my life.

– I can’t give you all that. I myself need a caring mother, a woman who will take care of almost everything. How about you?”

This is the essence of the conflict, which sounds in such pairs in all quarrels, discontent, resentment, tears, despair, loneliness, hunger, misunderstanding.

The release comes when it comes to the realization that none of the couple is able to become a breadwinner for the second, and not one can not give the other what he wants.

When the hope for a “normal family” is crumbling. When it becomes clear that there is no one to feed me. That there is no Savior. No one will come and save me. No one will take responsibility for me. All I have is me and my responsibility for myself and my children (if any). And how I handle that responsibility is my business. Whether I will go to look for other breadwinner(nurse) or I will begin to look for a support and forces in myself.

Finding support in yourself is a complex and time-consuming task. This process marks the beginning of an exit from the dependent relationship.

But it would be good not to fall into delusions of grandeur and not think that you can adequately pull one that, in a good way, you need to pull together. And children managed, and work to do, and places to go, and to pay for everything and everywhere a hundred percent. Exhale. You are not omnipotent.

Dependent relationships promise the hope that this person will fill a hole in my life – a financial hole, an emotional one. “as long as I’m with him, I’ll never need. I will not be alone.”

It is good when this need is revealed. Found their own loneliness and their own separateness from the other person. And your claims to another was the breadwinner – breadwinner for you like an infant.

The problem is that you can’t feed a hungry child. This need, need, your inner hole can only be detected. And then fill it with your life. Books, creativity, education, communication with different people, friendship, raising children, work, interesting projects, travel. And don’t try to fill the hole with one man’s strength. This man, too, may well have a hole of his own.

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