I hate my sister
About jealousy between siblings (siblings) used to speak as a normal feeling. No one perceives it as a kind of imbalance, rather we tend to consider it as a necessary condition for competition.
In this there is some truth, as to imagine a family in which none of the siblings would not be familiar with this feeling residual difficult. Therefore, I want to consider not the question of jealousy, but its scale, in terms of the origin of this feeling in the family.
Jealousy means that I would like to have something that the other has. In this case, we are talking about the mother’s (rarely father’s) love. And rather not about its quality, but about its quantity, as the child thinks. For a mother, it may be a matter of quality, but not quantity. Mothers often say they love the children equally in strength, but different in manifestations. This depends on a number of factors.
1. The order of birth.
What turns a child is born determines their relationship to it. Senior isn’t always first. Before him, there may have been children who, for example, did not survive. There may have been pregnancies that ended in abortion, miscarriage, or frozen pregnancy. All this will cause the appropriate feelings for the child. For example, excessive anxiety for his health, or lack of joy, or strong anger. And, of course, certain expectations. The parent can expect that the child will never die and will not even get sick, that he will console them, that he will live his life for two, and maybe will not cause trouble. A lot of options. Therefore, psychologists are very attentive to the study of family history.
If we are talking simply about seniority, then such a child will certainly get more experiments in education because of the greater anxiety of novice parents. A lot has been written about it and I don’t want to repeat myself. I just want to note that being a senior by birth and being a senior by role are different situations. It depends on what I have noted above and the nature of the child, as well as the position of the parents.
2. External factor.
Sometimes understanding how your parents lived during the years you were born will give you answers to many questions. You may find that living with a grumpy mother-in-law was stressful for your mother. And her husband’s infidelity triggered her depression.
It could be a difficult financial situation, external threat in the form of war or moving. Being is known to determine. In what material, social, historical conditions were your parents during your early childhood will undoubtedly affect their behavior and attitude towards you.
3. Parental experience.
In this world, children give birth to their children is not so rare. The tendency to give birth to children after 30, in my opinion, has a number of advantages. The chances of growing up of future parents becomes more, and therefore grow up earlier and become older than their parents, these children will no longer be necessary.
Nobody taught us to be parents. As they were brought up, so they brought up us. It is now access to information is open and opportunities have become much greater. But the experience, as you know, the son of errors difficult.
It is about the relationship between parents, the ability to love in principle and the fullness of the love of the parents themselves.
I really want to repeat myself and say that children should be born in love. For some of my clients, this fact, extracted from their history, became a powerful support, even if then everything changed very much. After all, children tend to accept differences between parents at their own expense. And know that you’re in love, you see, very nice. That love can be destroyed is adult knowledge. Therefore, we draw conclusions on the basis of our history after 3-4 years, as the memory is stored in the field of awareness from this age. That is, the conclusions about the lack of love in the family can be based on distorted information6 or rather on its absence. What we store in memory from events up to the age of three – closed to awareness storage, so our brain is arranged.
In my practice, I had to change the idea of my birth even to people born as a result of rape. Studying the history of the event and considering it from the standpoint of common sense and knowledge, the client could see that the uncontrolled sexual act on the part of the man was nothing more than an attempt to get intimacy and close the hole in his soul. This did not justify the form of behavior in any way, but helped to understand the hidden motive, which radically changed the idea of yourself. Man no longer felt the fruit of hatred and aggression, getting rid of shame.
I would like to say a lot about the ability to love, which, unfortunately, few people have. But then I will leave the main topic of this article. Therefore, I will confine myself to this fact. I have repeatedly had to help my clients lift the burden of strong feelings and attitudes toward themselves by understanding that their parent was simply incapable of love. That it’s not about them, and they’re worthy of love. It just happens. I have to work not only as a “lawyer” of the client, but also as a “lawyer” of his parents, and sometimes of all kinds.
5. The relationship between parents and parents with their parents.
And speech here not only about love but also about a whole set of all processes associated with the relationship. Thousands of books have been written about it. I’ll tell you one thing. It is very important to know, at least in adulthood, that most of our parents ‘ feelings towards us were portable. By cleaning layer after layer of all these feelings, we can even see that our parents did not even see and did not know us as such. They saw us as each other or their parents. This unpleasant open can be a useful medicine that will save us from a lot of illusions. I help to do the same work in the opposite direction. For customers it is an amazing discovery that they do not know their parents really do not understand them.
When I’m asked why all this is raised, here’s the answer. Knowledge liberates. To find out for a woman that your father was angry with you not because something was wrong with you, but because he expected you to love, short-received from his own mother (classic transfer) will put everything from head to foot. To see in an aggressive disgruntled dad a little disliked boy can completely change the picture of the world. And you will understand that all your claims to yourself and to men are just a child’s conclusion, based on children’s feelings, not on reality.
So the power is in the truth. Bitter or sweet. Sooner or later. Don’t be afraid to find out the truth. It’s liberating. The truth cannot kill. As well as disillusionment. Anything can kill you if there is no support inside or outside. And the truth will help to calculate the strength and find support where it can be, and not in illusions, even if they are beautiful.