Mom doesn’t have (memo adult children)
Separation is not a one-sided process, but often we (and I too) talk a lot about parents who are not ready, can not, keep, do not let go. About mothers who tie, afraid of loneliness and uselessness, and whose world is centered around children. We used to believe that parents have a lot of responsibility for the quality of life of their children.
But there are also children who do not leave.
To leave, to leave, and sometimes, if it is necessary for survival – to leave is a task of the grown-up children if they want to find the way. And this is often much more complicated.
Because if the parents are comfortable and warm, more than uncomfortable, the impulse to “break away from” is difficult to be born, to form.
And if the parents are difficult, cold and painful, I really want to believe that it can change and I can influence it. Children’s omnipotence has not been canceled, and it is able to hold strong emotionally near parents, even physically you will be Oh how far.
Also firmly holds the idea of parental responsibility. If he gave birth, he must. Try to imagine that you shouldn’t.
To love, to be, to educate is an option that is built into someone or acquired and he uses it if he wants and knows how, and someone does not – he only brings the child into this world and is able to provide something very limited – a minimum set for survival – and the child has to deal with this reality. Look elsewhere, with other people, in yourself, anywhere. To survive the deficit and wrath, and anger, and resentment, and powerlessness and to accept it and move on.
The world is not limited to parents, if you allow yourself to notice it and do not waste energy searching for a source in the desert. The earlier it is possible to notice and live a disappointment in this regard, the more effort and time will be left for his life. And in this place can be a place for relationships with parents, not just out of need, but because it is important or because you want.
To give up expectations and hopes is first and foremost to give up power. It is the feeling of power or the desire of power that always keeps near the possible, expected, charged with hopes source of anything.
Another way to allow yourself to grow instead of cultivating the inability to grow is to try to see parents as human beings and not as objects of possible-impossible love. Here, if we succeed, we can see that we ourselves are not very fertile sources of love. Especially for parents. You can, of course, again invite parents to this place and show reproachfully finger – that’s who that we are to blame. Their contribution can indeed be significant. But it is always more difficult to see, to appropriate, as we, children, also invest.
How often do we viciously demand from this rental position (inside, if you do not lie to yourself, you can see how well we wind ourselves to keep them on a short leash, but along the way, and ourselves near them) – love us, such-syakie, we are your children and you owe us, at the same time do not want to see that we also, so-so, on the “C grade” love.
And many of us are not ready to accept their features, troubles, other worldview, their feelings, their aggression towards us. To acknowledge the value they have or are doing for us. Or what they do not, thus giving us a lot of freedom and excellent examples of how not to live, though it is not obvious at once.
We often don’t want to deal with it all. It’s not good or bad – it’s just that.
The other thing is that often this confrontation, these obviously exaggerated, disgustingly, the differences between us and parents just need to have become stuffy, impossible to devalue it easier and easier to disconnect, to leave.
Later, however, in order to possibly discover just how much we like something, but it’s already much later, if possible, as they Mature and awareness of other senses and development objectives.
To leave also means to stop thinking parents are helpless. Stop taking responsibility for their lives, their happiness, their feelings. To see that they somehow live. Something happy and something sad.
Perhaps not as you want, not as you would like, perhaps in your opinion – wrong, unhappy, dependent, in the darkness, but live. They don’t have to make your eyes happy. How to know how to live.
Teaching you, perhaps, that you can live as you can and still can see and learn from them again – how not to live. But to see it, you have to start again, admit his powerlessness, his helplessness – Yes, you don’t have to ensure their happiness, but they do not have to provide your.
This is one of the key points out of the usual now-called emotional dependence on parents.
And often it’s just scary. It is terrible to admit that we are afraid, and suddenly we will not cope, we will not survive, we will not settle down, we will not find someone who would love us or whom we would love, we will not be able to love, we will be and we will remain forever lonely, useless, helpless, confused. We will break down and will not pass the way “for their own lives.” This could all happen, of course. But the parents had nothing to do with it again.
These are all natural feelings that arise where they should arise – at the point where you need to choose – me where? Where I don’t want any more than I want, but I know how – and that’s the way to be safe. This is where we pay with life and what could happen to us in it for warmth and “conditionally familiar calmness” and almost complete absence of changes. Stable, but habitually dull swamp.
Or we risk going down an unfamiliar road, looking for opportunities, but also facing the impossibility and no one knows how it will go and here we pay security for the new, for the search for our own.
This is the door to your own life, the keys to which only you. Parents had their own doors and how they opened them and whether they did not oblige you to do the same. Keys just need to notice, assign and stop throwing them at the parents, if you do not want to lose them completely.
Learning how to use the keys can be in the course of life…