The art of raising a slave
Have you noticed that adults often treat children as an uncomfortable object, which greatly complicates their parental existence? Like an annoying fly that you have to fend off, like a little villain that you have to deal with at all costs and who, in turn, only thinks how to make our lives unbearable… As if we are talking about the fact that we are all angels who understand, and they are worthless imperfections that it is important to make convenient for their own use. Yes, true, and not for use. So… if only not interfered…
And not to interfere it is necessary to create a clear code-what is and what is not, what is good for the child and what is bad. Hence-a huge number of adult statements, beginning with the words “the child should”. Must understand, must eat, must learn, must know, must respect. Must, Must and must.
You agree? And you look at the parent forums. And compare them… medieval advice for the upbringing of a slave.
I read: “judging by the description, your three-year-old daughter is already a very depraved girl. If she is unable to meet the demands of adults, something must be done about it. The best thing that came up with our ancestors – of course, spanking” (three smileys).
Another quote: “If he starts to act up, you need to move it well, that was not good.”
A slave who has no right to privacy, to his actions and even human emotions.
Countless and frighteningly monotonous instructions for the use of rigid methods of so-called education. The rigidity and inflexibility of the declared major virtues of the adult world. Verbs “to punish”, “to force”, “to flog” do not descend from pages of forums. A rare personal story goes without a proud “I put him in his place” or “you need to be able to force yourself to respect.””
All our fainting about physical punishment, and in General violence against children, alas, do not lead to anything and do not change anything. I propose to approach this issue from a completely different angle. Let’s try to understand what your goal is? And I did not miss the point: specifically-yours? When you, for example, punish a person, what do you really want? Why choose such a way of interaction-the way of humiliation, deprivation of freedom of choice and aggression? (Well, if you fortunately don’t, try fantasizing about your friends)
The question seems simple, but as if taken by surprise, parents usually offer the strangest answers.So, in one of comments to my article the reader writes: “it is Necessary to be more rigid – if to feel sorry for them, they will learn to manipulate…And I am once again amazed at such a strange somersault of adult consciousness… Isn’t it obvious that if they’re pitied – they’ll learn to be pitiful, isn’t it clear? After all, just the opposite is a sign of typical manipulative thinking.
For example, you will not go far, it looks like this:
If you give people what they want, they will “sit on your head” (and in fact, then they will be grateful to you and learn, after you, to give joy to others),
If you often show your discontent with the behavior of another person, he will become disciplined (no, it’s not – he will be closed, afraid of his own actions),
If you type in human relations methods of rewards and punishments (which in practice are used when training animals), people will learn to distinguish good from bad (as in this case, he will gradually lose the ability to navigate in the ethical field).
I think everyone is able to continue this series.
In fact, everything is much simpler: the system of personal example really works as a watch:
If a person is rude – he will learn to be rude,
If you punish-he will become a master of punishment and eventually return them to others with a vengeance
If you lie – you become a liar
Does not the simplest logic (Yes, not the science of pedagogy, not love for one’s own child, but simply logic) lead you to think that what you are taught is what you are taught? And Vice versa: it is impossible to set a bad example constantly – cruelty, greed, hatred, a call to kindness, responsiveness and decency.
However, to say that I have a better Lermontov is unlikely to succeed. Remind:
“All read on my face signs of bad feelings which were not; but they assumed — and they were born. I was modest , I was accused of cunning, I became secretive. I deeply felt the good and evil; I will not be caressed, all offended: I was vindictive; I was gloomy – other children merry and talkative; I felt above them – I put below. I became jealous. I was ready love the whole world – me no one understood: and I learned to hate. My colorless youth flowed in the struggle with myself and the light; my best feelings, fearing ridicule, I buried in the depths of my heart: they died there. I told the truth-they did not believe me: I began to deceive… And then despair was born in my breast – not the despair that is treated with the barrel of a gun, but a cold, impotent despair, covered with courtesy and a good-natured smile. I became a moral cripple: one half of my soul did not exist, it dried up, evaporated, died, I cut it off and threw it away-and the other moved and lived in the service of all, and no one noticed it, because no one knew about the existence of the dead half of it…”
This, in my opinion, is exhaustive and painfully accurate. As if these lines were written by a teacher-practitioner familiar with the most modern pedagogical research. I mean, a genius is a genius…
And even clearer from another genius Vladimir Vysotsky:
“If the pig out loud, from the cradle
Even the most humble child
Turn into a pig in the future!”
Again, do not believe? Again there will be thousands of objections, you say, literature one thing, and life another? You’d better not check…
Another motive for this behavior I said familiar mother when I asked her to protect his nine-year-old son from adult rudeness girlfriend. “But he must be prepared for the complexities of this world. In particular, rudeness! It will not always be licked from all sides…Here I must stop for a moment and admit that I have heard such life-affirming arguments many times. I assume you’ve met them several times. The logic is something like this: if life is difficult and unfair (at least, it sounds in the mouth of apologists of this approach), we will arrange so that our children “learn” – we will slowly spoil their lives today, so that they come to their future fully armed… That is to find out what real rudeness and betrayal of loved ones, and grown careless cattle.
So, friends, what I would like to say: rudeness, to my great regret, will find our children without us, with difficult life situations they will meet, most likely, not once or twice. Why do we give them this nightmare in advance? Why torture them when you can live in peace, grow up, get to know the world? And notice how the language itself betrays us, how in such a situation love and acceptance is replaced by the verb “lick.”- As if mom is ashamed of her love, as if she’s justified before a mythical judge who will punish her for being too attached to her own child. Lick it!..”
Terrible and cruel manifestations of loved ones can only exacerbate the fracture in the child’s consciousness. We must do everything we can to push back a possible blow, soften it if it is inevitable. This is exactly what smart calls a parent function.
A person learns to resist rudeness, like any other nastiness, when he has invaluable experience in creating and maintaining human interaction, when he begins to appreciate his personality and the personality of another. This is what teaches a child not to give offense, as well as – to protect others. But a situation in which an arrogant adult, using his own strength and status, humiliates him, teaches him the opposite – to lie, to pull his shoulders, to try to disappear, and in the end, when he can intimidate the weaker: exactly as taught.
Brutal Pope writes on forum on education: “the best way to cope (note: cope! It’s like a natural disaster…) with hysterics – not to pay on them attention. And if it becomes unbearable (unbearable, of course, we, enlightened parents who consider children “unbearable”!)- to punish properly. Leaving aside their terrible guesses on the topic of “punish properly”, I draw your attention to the typical tone and approach: the Supreme being is trying to cope with the arrogant small scum.
Can you imagine what hell is going on in the soul of a child? I’m not only sick, I’m alone! Alone in the world. Except for the parents, who are always ready to make things worse…
And as polishing, a typical argument adults: “I didn’t bring anything.”.. What-nothing? For whom nothing? Who told you that you are beautiful in your narrowness, cruelty, aggression, inability to accept, not even accept – at least to see the person next to you? As you know, these methods of education have led to positive results? We survived? Behold, indeed, and thank you for it!
“Stuck in their own right, tied in knots…” (after)
One of the old parental fears (personally I know from my grandmother) – that my child will not give me a glass of water in old age. Such a here is transparent allegory. If you use it, no doubt: it will not! Where did this glass come from, if all a person’s life was taught only cruelty, hatred and that when you feel bad, others are able to see only your manipulations?…
However, I’m not too scare the reader: glass, can and will give public opinion, and all orders to resist his own desires and to cope with the gusts. But hatred and to you, and to this a glass of justified.