12 ways to forgive grievances parents
Do I need to talk to my parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent and is it possible to discern in the criticism of a parent’s love? This psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya told at the lecture “Children’s insults: is there a chance to establish already spoiled relations?”.
Try not to forgive, but to understand.
They had no resource
Remember that they had a very hard life – work, lack of money, getting food, time-consuming life, standing in queues. Strongly wound parents were not psychologically sensitive and gave children the resource for which they were enough.
They were young and inexperienced
Sometimes it is very useful to remember at what age your parents were at that time. Often they were people 25-26 years old, inexperienced and insecure.
Don’t shut up.
If you feel resentment for the parents, do not be silent about it. It is impossible not to recognize that to you it was bad. For a very long time this topic was tabooed and there was only one option: “Parents are Holy people, they raised you and gave life, they need to love, respect and not complain” or: “If you were bad – it’s your own fault.”
Don’t run around with childhood injuries all your life.
That’s the other extreme. It would be nice not to spend my whole life complaining about my parents and explaining their mistakes all their failures. Try not to live your whole life under the banner of “child alcoholic”, “a man who did not love my mother” or ” a man who was beaten as a child.” Sometimes such a period of trauma is needed, but it would be good if it ended.
When we were kids, we didn’t have a choice whether to be bullied or not. And now we have a choice – we can leave the trauma just as an experience or let the trauma shape our personality.
If you can not get off this on their own – contact a therapist, do not live in this state for years.
Try to talk about childhood grievances with their parents.
Should we try to convey to the parents that they were wrong? Sometimes it helps. Parents have become calmer, wiser, they are not as wrapped up as before. They are already raising grandchildren and often discover the qualities of warmth and acceptance. Some of them are ready for such a conversation. Sometimes they may acknowledge and Express regret about past mistakes. And this may be the beginning of a new warm relationship.
Sometimes recognition of responsibility is necessary.
This mainly applies to cases where there was a serious abuse on the part of parents. Just admit what it was. This recognition can often be the only condition on which children agree to continue to communicate with their parents. It is necessary to say in plain text: “it is very important for Me that you admit that it was. I don’t need an apology, but it’s important that no one pretends I made it up.”
Leave for them the right not to recognize their mistakes.
If parents defend themselves and say: “We did everything right, you are ungrateful” – they have the right to do it. You have your own picture of the world, and they have their own. Sometimes their mind still denies and displaces. Re-educate a person in 70 years is a bad idea.
But often this means that there will be no close relationship between you.
Take pity on the little one.
When we get resentment from our parents, we are in the position of a very small being. You’re not a judge, you’re just a little kid who had no choice. And when we think – to forgive or not to forgive, we take responsibility, which we do not have and could not be. We can’t be older than parents, we can’t judge them “from above”. We can acknowledge our feelings and from today’s adult state feel sorry for the little one. To explain a little what actually is wrong with kids to go to it even from someone adult is heard.
Allow yourself to be sad.
At some point, you have to allow yourself to be sad and admit that something you did not have as a child and will not be. Because your parents just couldn’t give it to you. And that might make it easier.
Don’t expect your parents to change.
Very often, behind the claims to parents is a child’s hope that parents will change – dad finally praise, and mom finally love. And the father and mother did not praise and did not love simply because they in principle were not capable of it. They have their own difficult childhood, their own circumstances and their own psychological profile.
Learn to translate the language of your parents ‘ love.
Quite rarely there are parents who are not able to give anything, but only criticize and reject. Sometimes their language of love just isn’t what we want to hear. We are waiting for good words, and their love is to bake us pies and feed us to satiety. We must learn to translate their language into our own. Let’s say mom grumbles all the time, but at the same time prepares you endless borscht and washes the dishes. These are her pies, borsch and dishes and there is her “I love you”.
Sometimes criticism is also a concern.
Endless criticism – it’s such a parental guardian. It seems that if you always tell the child what is wrong with him, then he will understand everything and will finally do everything right. If you see it this way, it won’t destroy you so much. It is necessary to learn to treat it as care.
If your parents are dead, then your claims will not hurt them.
The deceased parent is not so different from the non-deceased. After all, when we take offense, we do not take offense at today’s parents, but at those parents who were then, at the time of offense. Sometimes the dead are idealized and it seems that it is forbidden to think badly of them or to make claims against them. But if they are already dead, then your claims will not hurt them, and it can help you. Sometimes it is necessary to Express anger and claims to discover the ability to love. If you remove the resentment, you will be able to deal with the warmest part of the relationship that you had.