Home comfort – it’s not scrubbed floors, and scrubbed from the beliefs of the head
Such words I heard from my husband, in response to accusations that he does not appreciate my efforts to maintain the household. It was at the very beginning of our marriage. At the time, it seemed to me that within the framework of socially approved views on the behavior of a diligent wife and mother, I honestly fulfill my part of the duties.
And then this phrase… Like a bucket of ice water was poured on my head. I digested it for a long time, trying to understand the intricacies of the words in the sentence.
Brought up in the traditions of the Soviet family, I believed in the myth that the wife is primarily a mother and mistress. Other functions – as tasks of increased complexity in the control work: you can do as you wish, if there is time. I could say with confidence that I was doing everything right and as it should be an exemplary wife. I just thought one thing and felt another. Words and actions can lie, feelings can never. It is possible to deceive others, the truth is not to hide.
And truth was such.
I’m bored doing household chores.
I am a supporter of simple and fast food and do not like to spend much time at the stove.
On a walk with my son, I prefer to read the book, not sculpt with it cakes. I like to sleep long in the morning, ignoring the mode of the day.
I do not like to talk about other people’s children, their achievements, lures and other similar topics with moms on the Playground.
I want to go to work and prefer to hire a babysitter than to quietly go crazy about the monotonous household chores.
I am speaking openly about this today. A few years ago, I felt terrible shame about it and denied my “dislike” for the myth of a good wife and mother. Inside, I was torn by the conflict between “want” and “must”, and the inner critic confidently ruled my mind. Nothing good is to end could not but breakdowns in a vacuum, lack of energy and feeling guilty for the fact that I’m a horrible wife, mother and in man I suck.
It is difficult to withstand, sometimes unbearable. There is a temptation to project the feelings on another. “I’m not angry and irritable – you’re angry and inattentive. I’m not the one who’s always complaining, and you’re looking for a reason to fight. It’s because of you I lost it. If it wasn’t for your behavior, everything would have been fine.”
When we become deaf to our own feelings, do not want to accept our dual nature, hide the unwanted part of our personality in the shadows, we use psychological defenses: projections, negations, shifting responsibility for our state to others.
After the phrase that my husband said, it became obvious to me that the comfort in the house to which I so “manic” aspired, depends not on the cleaned floors and a gas stove, but on the head cleaned from “cockroaches”. Many beliefs exist in the context of popular ideas about what is normal and how it should be. In addition to them, in our own parents ‘ families we are fed with myths about how to behave properly, so that the family and society accept us. “What will people say?”, – to become for us almost the most important life reference point which needs to be kept constantly on a sight.
Feeling inadequate and inconsistent with social expectations, we perceive ourselves as those who fall short of acceptable standards and those who require adjustment. Every day there are new versions of what should be a normal woman, a normal man, a normal relationship. We live in constant tension and anxiety over efforts to meet social norms and avoid our own setbacks.
Pair relations are almost leaders in the number of social standards and lists of expectations for them. And then begins the process of reconciliation with the existing list. The slightest mistake – a sense of guilt and fear about: “What if I’m a bad wife and mother.”
These are some of the myths that have infected me.
A loving wife is always concerned about the comfort of your home;
Woman in charge of family relations;
A loving mother should all her free time to the child and his interests;
Husband and wife are loving halves who understand each other without words;
Husbands don’t leave good wives.
Social prescriptions, coupled with family myths, can lead to a situation where one or both partners may feel increasing tension and dissatisfaction against the background of external well-being.
Refusal to recognize those feelings that threaten the destruction of one’s own self-image is a direct path to neurotic anxiety.
The way out of this situation is not to hide shame, not to deny the truth, not to put on the social masks of virtue, but to turn the alarm out and speak openly about who we really are. This is a big risk, no guarantees and you need to have a lot of courage to decide on such a step.
This leads to the need to face the realization that we are bigger and deeper than others ‘ perceptions of us. It is important to move away from social prescriptions at a sufficient distance in time to be able to assess their suitability for life.
If I’m not uniquely good, what am I?
What do I decide to do with this new knowledge of myself?
What price am I willing to pay for the opportunity to be myself?
How will I live with this knowledge of myself?
Where will I look for support and support?
The solution of internal issues deprives us of social adaptation, but also frees our shadow energy and gives freedom. Recognizing our own integrity, recognizing those feelings that were previously forbidden, we have the right to be ourselves. And only in this case we can give others the right to be different from us.
Relationships are the gamut of feelings and their shades. They are possible with those who are not like us, who are so different from us that there is an opportunity to know yourself better next to them. As a DNA molecule, they have their own unique structure and have nothing to do with the framework that society puts before them. To cram them into the framework of family myths and social attitudes is to deprive them of energy for growth and development. Relations should be regulated by the agreements of the couple, take into account the strengths and weaknesses of partners, their feelings and interests, their vision of how best to both. And this is true only for them.
Family myths are easy to create and difficult to debunk, especially if we ourselves believe in them. But as soon as we confront them with reality, it becomes apparent that none of them adds happiness to our lives.
Look at your relationship.
What adopted social attitudes block energy in them?
Do these thoughts make you happy and free, or do they make you feel guilty and frustrated?
Do they develop your relationship or interfere with it?
How could they sound to be taken into account your feelings?
What will happen to you and your relationship if you leave it at that?
Something to think about, isn’t it?