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10 myths about married life

The idea of this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, which led the Guru to work with families Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years of successful experience with married couples and my thoughts on this, I decided to describe 10 common myths about married life, which many couples take for the truth of pure water.

Myth 1. Similarity and kinship are a permanent basis for a long-term relationship. Many spouses firmly believe that the same views on life, interests, principles is a prerequisite for living all life with your partner. This mythology is well represent Proverbs and sayings from the category of “Husband and wife is one Satan”, “pair”, etc.

But in fact: the relationship and some conditional sameness of man and woman is certainly important at the stage of entering into a relationship. This provides a common basis on which to approach and make joint plans for life. However, the family is a dynamic system, and at some point there is a need for differentiation in married life. And it turns out that it is very convenient and interesting to live, for example, in a complementary pair, when different or even opposite features of partners perfectly complement each other and enrich the marriage!

If, however, religiously believe in this myth, then lived with a partner for some time and found that he had other interests and traits that are different from yours, you could panic and decide that you are not on the way that you are no longer kindred spirits, that marriage is outdated… Unfortunately, many couples don’t survive the change and marriages end. At the same time, living in the stage of differentiation and creative adaptation to the changed conditions is the basis of a long and strong family Union.

Myth 2. Everything should be done together and divided equally. The exaggerated idea of equality between a man and a woman is the basis for building a relationship on the principle of “partner marriage”.

In fact, the Role and rights of men and women are indeed equal in marriage, but the exaggerated idea of equality does not take into account the individual characteristics, needs and desires of everyone. And then, for example, there are sverhidei from the category of “Once I get up at 7 am, the spouse has no right to sleep until lunch”, “If I immediately wash the dishes – and the spouse must do the same”, “We must take turns to take out the garbage, even if the spouse hates this duty”, etc. a Number of such “should equally” can continue itself.

The family system is designed in such a way that it has a lot of symmetry and asymmetry. And the device on the principle of “in marriage everything should be parallel and perpendicular” makes the marital Union rigid, unable to adapt to the individual characteristics of each. And then one or both partners may have a feeling of stiffness, tightness, depression. Often the unwillingness of the spouse “to share everything equally” is perceived by the partner as devaluation, loss of interest and respect. And then is obtained not Union two different, but loving people, and superficially “the right” family, in which every feels lonely.

It is important to respect and take into account the individuality of each spouse, and then the system itself will flexibly distribute: who take out the garbage, who wash the dishes, sit with the child, etc.

Myth 3. “We have enough of each other. You can do a good couple relationships, covering the boundaries of the family and keeping his love forever!”Each couple goes through certain stages of development, and the first phase of the merger, when the couple can not breathe each other, and no one else they do not need, romanticized and idealized in literature and film.

But in fact: the stage of primary merger is passing, and if the partners continue to live with the myth “I am you, you are me, and we do not need anyone”, then such a Union gradually turns into a suffocating, heavy dependent relationship in which aggression (and it is inevitable in any relationship!) will be suppressed and sooner or later will result in some dysfunctional symptom: lover/mistress, illness of one of the spouses or child (the most common option), alcohol/drug/game/food addiction of one of the family members. Rigid boundaries, as well as their complete absence, are a sign of dysfunctional relations.

Flexible, adaptive boundaries allow spouses, while maintaining love and intimacy, to live not only within the family, but also outside it: to spend time together with different people, to visit, to visit parents, to let friends/girlfriends of a partner into the family for some time and even (horror-horror!) sometimes allow flirting with other men/women. It is also important to clarify dissatisfaction with the relationship with your partner, without turning small unexplained claims into a large lump of restrained aggression.

Myth 4. The relationship that was in the beginning, will remain as good forever! This myth overlaps with the above, but it deserves to be highlighted. Of course, many of us want to love never ended, and the relationship continued to please with bright colors and butterflies in the stomach without any additional effort.
But in fact: the idealized image of marital love and the lack of school disciplines in family life – the disease of our century! Today, young people rush into the relationship headlong, hurriedly, build a marriage, and once the honeymoon phase passes – frustrated and demolish the unions. Alas, in our society today is quite unpopular obvious truth that a good relationship – the result of work on this both spouses! Yes, the idea that relationships need to be worked on is devoid of romanticism and far from the lyrical ideal. But you can jump from one relationship to another all your life, “collecting the cream” of the honey period, but then you need to give up the illusion that in this way you can build a strong marital Union for many years. It has even become a popular concept of “serial monogamy” – when a person does not change their partners, but often just changes them many times in my life married.

Myth 5 (in continuation of Myth 4). You can live in a long-term marital relationship without being disappointed in each other.

The highest degree of maturity of partners and an absolutely necessary condition for a long happy marriage is the need to live a disappointment in the spouse, staying in a relationship. Alas, disappointment in his wife is inevitable, because idealized at first the image of “Prince” or “Princess” is a real living person living nearby. And then suddenly it turns out that “the husband has not reached the heights that I expected from him, he does not provide me as much as I would like”, “my wife is not a smiling beautiful creature, but a woman with mood swings, and her character is not always perfect, and she does not always look 100%”. The point of disappointment in a partner is the most common cause of divorce. So in our society very many divorced men and women, proving left and right, that “all peasant women – bitches”, and “men – goats.”

It is important to have great courage to openly meet with disappointment in a partner, to live it, staying in a relationship, to creatively reconsider your requirements and vision of each other – then and only then can you build a long-term good marriage. And as a bonus, You will be grateful to his wife that he takes Your features and be sure to open it features for which you will love his new, real and live “neprintsa”.

Myth 6. “The two of us, we are free people and we can build something that will be different from the models of our parents.” I think there is no comment)

But in fact: the unconscious absolute denial of parental models leads to the fact that the couple, fundamentally avoiding patterns from parent families, eventually reproduces them in their marriage. Here the key to breaking the vicious circle is awareness. Only an honest analysis of both the strengths and weaknesses of parental relationships allows us to find and assign successful “recipes” from the model of the parent family (and they can not be). And then, relying on this resource already in their relationship, the couple can build something authorial.

Myth 7 (modification Myth 6). We will build a marriage as good as the parents of one of the partners. This myth is from the category of “My husband is from a good family, and mine was not very, so we will live like his parents”

And in fact, About the absolute negation of the models of his family read above. There are no “good” and “bad” family models in absolute terms. Every family has its resources and its dysfunctions. And the dependent tendency (i.e. unconditional reproduction of the parent model) is as dangerous as the counter-dependent (that is, to build your family on the principle of denial “if only not like them”). This is a false dilemma, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Myth 8. “Our family should be better than sister/brother/girlfriend/friend.” It often happens that the couple as if “looks back” at the family of their environment, and fighting for the championship in the ranking of “best family of the year.” This also includes the myth of the constancy of passion and sexual relations.

But in fact: the share of competition and competition is a very good resource to keep yourself in good shape. However, the problems begin when the couple suddenly find that their marriage in some way loses “Sasha and Masha’s family”. And then comes the total depreciation of relations, on the principle: if we are not the best – then we are all bad. And the couple unwittingly begin to dig into his pair, looking for problems. And if you dig a lot – it is sure to dig up something.

Or perhaps another variation: sexual relations – excellent soil for mythology and a good way to depreciate themselves. If the couple at some point sexual relations become less regular, especially against the background of the stories of friends about their “super-duper passionate sex in different poses and situations”, then the couple may have an avoided feeling of shame for their sexual imperfection. And since the topic of sex is very intimate and painful for someone, then discuss what is happening spouses are not solved, gradually moving away from each other.

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