Five reasons why unloved daughters choose the wrong partners
“How come I married a man who is a copy of my mother? It seemed that he did not look like her, and in the end – just like her. How come I didn’t see him treating me the same way my mother did? Just hands down.”
The truth is that each of us – loved or not – is looking for the familiar and subconsciously we are attracted to what we are familiar with. And it’s a great formula for success if you grew up in a family where your parents supported and loved you. In this case, there is a high chance that you will use your spinal cord to sense people who are prone to manipulation and control and will stay away from them, finding a partner interested in the same things that you are interested in: mutual cooperation, open communication, proximity and support. But this is not the case with women who have formed an insecure type of attachment, whose emotional needs were not met in childhood, especially if an anxious type of attachment was formed.
It looks like this: “Two marriages, one worse than the other. The first partner was a control freak, and the second was a classic narcissist. At that moment, I didn’t trust myself enough to go on a date. How did it happen that after living to 45 years, you can not understand people at all.”
Women with an anxious type of attachment seem particularly prone to reproduce the emotional circumstances of their childhood in adult romantic relationships. Consider five reasons why mistakes in choosing a partner are repeated again and again.
1. We try to “hold” love.
To get the love of his mother – it is an obstacle for the unloved daughter and she makes every effort to solve this problem. Growing up in such an environment, the daughter believes that love is something that you need to earn or for which you have to fight – not something that gets just like that. Therefore, when an anxious daughter enters into an intimate relationship with a partner who seems at one point emotionally available, and the other is not, his behavior can frighten her, but, nevertheless, such behavior will seem normal and habitual. In such a situation, her brain will not show her the red flag of danger, as it will show a person who knows what love is and what exactly is not. And while this emotional suspension of her partner will make her angry and frustrated, it will also redouble her efforts to get “everything back the way it was.”
2. We like to think that “everything will be fine”.
Because an unloved daughter doesn’t know what love looks like in action or how it feels, her understanding of love is limited to the design of winning it, earning it, enduring difficulties, and becoming worthy of love. Yes, this is the same scenario “one Day a handsome Prince will come for me if I pass the tests” and it is this idea after another terrible quarrel and the removal of a partner that allows you to think of a “fabulous” continuation, although it would seem that it should be exactly the opposite.
3. We think a roller coaster in a relationship is romantic.
Unloved daughters, especially anxious ones, who themselves experience mood swings, often take sharp UPS and downs in a relationship for passion. The extreme States experienced – from the feeling of “I am for a loved one the whole world” to the agony of fear that now the loved one will leave – both exciting and exhausting States. Of course, this is not a real passion, but the unloved daughter does not know about it. I guess that explains why the unloved daughter to choose relationship partners with narcissistic traits; they take the game of Narcissus, in which he plays to solve their personal problems, for passion.
4. We think it’s normal to be mistreated.
As a child, unloved daughters ridiculed, considered some “not so”, constantly criticized – Yes, this is what is called verbal violence. The consequence of this can be emotional deafness to a certain kind of manipulation and mistreatment, because it is perceived very familiar (and familiar to our brain likes to be seen as safe). Because somewhere inside they have long ago explained the cruelty, rationalized it, they do not see in humiliation unacceptable, and in total control of the threat. They easily fall into the trap of “if he’d treated me badly, so I did this to herself”. Self-incrimination for such women is another legacy from childhood.
5. We are full of hope and love fairy-tale endings.
Because an unloved daughter is focused on how to get love and avoid rejection, every sweet act on the part of a partner is seen as important and significant, even if everything else is just disgusting. Good moments of a relationship – yeah, that and running periodic reinforcement (intermittent reinforcement) – give her a sense of mission and a feeling that something was about to happen the moment the Slippers of Cinderella. Since she does not know how the real connection is felt, she has to look for signs of similarities in her relationship with fairy tales.
Only by seeing our childhood wounds and learning how to treat them can we begin to make other, better choices.