Psychologist in the divorce. About what?
My colleague and I once talked about values. And I enthusiastically said this phrase: "Here, for example, family is a great value for me. That's why I got divorced." He…

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Invisible girl, or Cigarettes in exchange for mom's love
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It's simple. About family rituals and traditions
Working with family (and its subsystems separately: husband + wife, parent + child, and other diverse set of "deuce"/"Troika") I often touch themes family rituals and traditions. "What traditions do…

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Husband and father. Find the differences

The husband is often found in the projection of the father, these two figures, in the perception of women, interwoven into one. If father was brutal – husband is perceived intolerant and evil. If the father did not give something, in the husband, first of all, greed is seen. If the father was estranged, and the husband and wife case no.

In General, the relationship with his father is about prospects, success in life, about relationships with men, about financial prosperity. Question: who is your father, means, ultimately, who are you?

On consultation the woman “for forty”, tells that at the husband pneumonia, the ambulance took away it to hospital, on her face tears flow… I sympathize, but, to my surprise, it turns out that the reason of her crying not fears for health of the husband, she grieves for the father who died a year ago.

Wiping tears and sobbing, the woman tells the circumstances of her birth. That the father wanted a son and was disappointed by the appearance of his daughter. And that after she was born, he left home for two weeks. And mom thought he’d never come back.

In justification of her existence, the girl decided to become the best for her father, especially since “mom did not love dad enough, and did not pay enough attention to him.”

One of her memories: “dad’s friends, seeing us together, called us husband and wife.” Another memory: “On the eighth of March dad read to us, his women – me and my mother, poems and gave each a bouquet of flowers”

I drew her attention to the fact that she was never ” her woman “for her father, she was his daughter. These are different roles that should not be confused. For my husband, who is now in hospital – she’s a woman, for a father – daughter.

She looked at me in surprise and nodded her head. And I continued.

– You cry so inconsolably for your dead father, “like a widow.” When the father leaves – of course, this is grief, deep sadness, but parents come to this world before us and before they leave. Children bury their parents with gratitude for what they have given and with respect for their fate. And with partner continue to live. It turns out that You and after the death of his father continue to remain emotionally with him and ignore her husband.

– Yes, it turns out that so. You know, my husband and I haven’t had a sexual relationship in a year, and he’s suddenly impotent.

Year there is no father, year there is no sex with husband. Maybe for a husband it’s a way to punish his wife for not being emotionally with him?

I offered to work together to find and discuss the differences between a husband and a father. We got the following:
Father – mother (as female and her father kind of one, it is generally half from the father) and the husband is a stranger. Husband – on blood “someone else’s”, but emotionally, intellectually and physically can be close.
Sex with my father is taboo. A sexual relationship with a “native” is called incest and leads to the degeneration of the race. Sex with her husband is welcome as a manifestation of love.
Parting with the father is impossible, since half of the father always remains in the person. Parting with her husband – perhaps and, unfortunately, quite often happens.
The father can only be one, all the others trying to replace him are educators. You can get married several times.
The father makes the rules, and the husband and the rules are set together.
Father and the hierarchy is vertical (the father above), a husband and a horizontal (symbolically one partner to the right, the other left, but they are on the same line). If the husband is on the right, it corresponds to his leading role in the relationship. If the husband is to the left of the wife – he gives the leading role to the wife. When we recognize the need for a father, we recognize the hierarchy in the family.
With my father, love is unconditional (just for what it is), and with my husband – conditional (I love you for your emotional, intellectual and physical characteristics, for what I feel next to you). Father contains and provides the safety of her daughter simply because she is the daughter, and the husband there is a desire to protect and provide for his wife in gratitude for the love, when she respects him, appreciates what he does for her and inspiring “feats”, showing admiration for him. To develop a relationship with her husband, you need to “invest” in them, to maintain a balance in the exchange of manifestations of love. And even better: “Give a little more than you get.” At the same time, it is important to control your behavior and observe the limits allowed in relation to yourself and your partner.

Father equivalent exchange is not possible, because from the father received life, so to balance we need to give his life. You cannot give your life back directly, but you can do it indirectly by giving up your feelings and desires “for the sake of the Pope.” Probably all forms of self-destruction and suicide, as an extreme option – these are ways to abandon the parental gift. So, it is impossible to pay directly a debt to parents, but it is possible to make it, having given birth to the children and having transferred further that was received from parents.
Symbolically the father is behind the right shoulder of the woman, he support for her. You can lean on it like a wall. A husband cannot be a support for a woman. He, as I already told, is near. And if a woman expects support from her husband – it means that her father did not fulfill his security function.
If the father can be symbolically represented as a wall, the male and female partners can serve as crutches for each other. Feel difference – the wall and a crutch. When a woman says: “I am behind my husband like a stone wall”, it becomes clear that she perceives her husband as a father. But the husband cannot be the father, the father’s place is already taken – once and for all.
When a person is not in his place, he feels uncomfortable. Who wants “out of place”? And relationship problems begin. Let’s give it to father – father! And her husband of mujava!

For men between mom and wife there are the same differences, adjusted for gender. Knowing these differences makes it possible to notice the confusion of roles, which leads to intertwining in the family system, to the emergence of problems. When we notice the confusion of roles – there is an opportunity to change it. Awareness is the first step to change.

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