Monthly Archives: January 2017
Have you ever thought about the beautiful phrase” Marriages are made in heaven”, the key word “are made”?
“Prisoner – a person who is in the place of detention, in respect of which detention is chosen as a preventive measure” (C).
Despite the fact that I have great respect for the institution of marriage, sometimes, after working with couples, I have a strong feeling that I am a prison psychologist, and my clients – prisoners, many years spent in isolation, inside the “close suffocating space of the wedding ring”, rattling the chain of cast-iron core and through the bars occasionally admiring the “sky of freedom in the cage”, and I – at the same time the defense lawyer, the Prosecutor and the judge, who must pass the final sentence of their love Union…
But, in fact, one of the first questions I ask myself in my mind when taking a couple is not “Who is to blame?”, and even: “Not that to do?”rather, “What is the level of emotional maturity of each spouse?”.
And this maturity has nothing to do with age, life experience, financial situation and professional achievements. It is rather about the strength of the individual, the degree of maturity of each, the willingness to take responsibility for their lives, the ability to change the usual style of thinking – to look not in others, but in themselves the cause of their problems, the ability to see the “picture” as a whole, not trying to trap the guilt of Another, closing in their grievances. Continue reading
Quite often young parents are told: “Come on, here our grandmothers gave birth to ten children, and nothing, and you can not cope with one.” But really, cultural norms, attachments, and expectations as parents and towards children has changed considerably.
If earlier the baby could spend half a day alone in a cradle, which from time to time shakes some average girl, not very well-fed and with wet diapers, while the mother takes care of cattle or engaged in other things, of the born ten children survived half, and every third woman died in childbirth (not necessarily in the first, but nevertheless), now the situation is different – we do not rely on natural selection, and we know that every step we take, every investment we make will respond to what the child’s fate will be, how society will treat parents, and how likely it is that a grown child will want to see us.
This creates huge pressure on parents: whether I feed him, whether I keep, whether in that garden sent?
This is how parental stress is born – it also leads to parental burnout, loss of empathy, feeling of powerlessness, helplessness, and sometimes – to aggression against the child. Continue reading
My colleague and I once talked about values. And I enthusiastically said this phrase: “Here, for example, family is a great value for me. That’s why I got divorced.” He laughed, “do You hear what you’re saying? Value and so you got divorced.”
I suddenly realized. That’s why. Family for me includes such values as respect, trust, sincerity, the ability to Express their feelings, acceptance of a different point of view of the partner, even if it is not clear to me, the ability to negotiate, the ability to empathize, openly Express their feelings, willingness to recognize their contribution to the situation, the desire to change and develop together, loyalty.
I guess I can talk about my divorce now. Rather, about 2 divorces. Because it is thanks to them that I came to the profession. The first was a child marriage – which often happens – a way to escape from the dictatorship of the mother.
A beautiful intelligent co-dependent family, with all the ensuing consequences – a dysfunctional father, realized only in creative work, and at home turning into a child and periodically escaping into a binge, and controlling, punishing, aggressive devaluing mother, who suddenly sometimes could give out waves of love and support. Continue reading