"Pregnant together": how to survive nine months and not get divorced
Advice from a family psychologist for those whose marital relationship is being tested by pregnancy. Relationships in a couple – a complex process and sometimes confusing, and if the couple…

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Children and cuisine: risks of the "new Patriarchate"
The women of Victorian England were almost invisible to the law. The term "male person" (male person), which denoted a full-fledged person, brought gentle ladies in corsets beyond the legal…

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Do not want or can not: why do adult children stay with their parents?
We often see the codependence of adult children and their parents. The first can not become independent, find themselves and be realized in society. The second instead of personal life…

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Monthly Archives: April 2017

Invisible girl, or Cigarettes in exchange for mom’s love

Deaf, stupid, impotent rage covered Olga with a concrete slab. Can’t breathe, can’t get enough air. How tired she was of all these papers, people, negotiations, endless parental “need”, “we must”, “at any cost”, “we have no right to let the client”, “our reputation must be impeccable”. A few short, hot puffs. Catches my throat… And lets go.

She is stifling in this small, self-contained world of their strong and respected family company, whose reputation is above all. It’s stifling to be with your parents, so proper and honest. So close and so unattainable.

She’s still waiting to be loved, to be heard, to see the real her. Living. She lives. No matter how much they turn her into an obedient biorobot, she’s alive. Yet. And still needs a living human love. Not in maintaining life, not in cold, indifferent, mechanical and selfish “care”, and in love. Their love.

With this company Olga was married since infancy. Any other way of life and the fate of the parents for it is not represented. All she had to do was learn. Learn, master the family business and be worthy of your family. Be like them.

Olina’s mother was always an excellent student. And in school, and in Institute. She had no idea how you can not learn a lesson and get a four. It was unthinkable to her. Continue reading

Beliefs that shape co-dependence

I remembered a distant childhood. Anything I say ideas, opinions, views, objections close ended met with “what you know…”, “you’re a baby, you warthog”. I felt devalued and humiliated, ashamed of “I’m not as smart as they are.”

Having been born, the child has no idea who he is, and through communication with loved ones he develops an idea of himself. Surrounding are mirrors, in which children look at themselves with hand. From them they learn about themselves, based on their attitudes and words. And the image of yourself first built only from these assessments. And gradually the child begins to see himself as his close people see him, treats himself as they treat him. My initial self-esteem was built on devaluation, humiliation and toxic shame.

In our family, the manifestation of the Self by any member of the family was extremely undesirable and unbearable for everyone, because the words, thoughts, feelings, evoked reciprocal feelings: amazing, incomprehensible, sometimes unpleasant, and already forgotten by many, discarded for their uselessness (or pain).

And that had to be dealt with somehow. So it was easier to suppress any manifestation of the true Self. Continue reading

Loyalty to your family. How does it affect our lives?

Loyalty is one of the most powerful forces that affect a person’s personality and life. Any relationship is based on mutual loyalty of people to each other. To be accepted, “their”, need to confirm any community – I one of you, I as you, I look like. And what do we get in return and how do we pay for our loyalty?

The power of loyalty in the family
The strongest manifestation of loyalty can be seen in the family. It works like this: the child recognizes his parents. This primarily means that he is attached to them. Children identify themselves by their parent. The child grows up and tries to be like mom and dad. If you artificially remove one figure, it will be difficult for the child to recognize and accept himself.

The stronger the prohibition to show loyalty to parents, the stronger the internal need to do it. From the inability to love and be tied to a child can develop a borderline personality warehouse, there is self-destructive behavior, difficulties in close contact with people, difficulties in perceiving others and themselves holistic.

The balance of loyalty to father and mother
Much depends on the rules of the family, but the child’s love for the father and mother is distributed approximately equally. When mom and dad are together, he’s protected. When parents break up, for a child at any age, it is the collapse of integrity. Continue reading

It will be small or who have a family to support?
Tradition or partnership? Traditionally in our society it is believed that the main earner of money in the family should be a man. On the Internet you can find articles…

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Avoid toxic people, including toxic relatives
The decision not to contact a family member is deeply personal. For some of us, healing a mother's wound is only possible through contact with the mother. In this scenario,…

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Looking for the perfect man
I don't want to write about men. And, first of all, about parents. Oil painting: an ideal, pure soul mother who put life on the child, nurtured, nurtured, raised, gave…

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Home comfort – it's not scrubbed floors, and scrubbed from the beliefs of the head
Such words I heard from my husband, in response to accusations that he does not appreciate my efforts to maintain the household. It was at the very beginning of our…

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